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Monday, September 14, 2015

Touch Our Junk: 7-Eleven’s Cheeseburger Hot Dog

Posted By on Mon, Sep 14, 2015 at 2:00 PM

click to enlarge ALI WUNDERMAN
  • Ali Wunderman
A few years ago I had a brilliant epiphany worthy of a mad scientist — what if cheeseburgers were shaped like hot dogs, and hot dogs were shaped like cheeseburgers? I could barely conceive of the abject chaos that would ensue if somebody brought these blasphemies to life.

It turns out that 7-Eleven is that somebody. The multinational corporation famous for sensible products like the Slurpee and the 128-ounce Team Gulp decided to throw rationality to the wind and make half of this nightmare a reality with their Cheeseburger Bite, a 440-calorie ground-beef-and-cheese concoction shaped like a frankfurter and sheathed in a proper bun. The company refers to their devil sausage as “almost like all of your dreams coming true,” which is a very bold statement, 7-Eleven.

In the interest of providing top-notch journalism, I decided to try one. After all, I originally thought of this idea — thanks for the credit, by the way — so it’s only fair that I put my money, and unearthly food, where my mouth is.

Though I am blessed with a 7-Eleven just around the corner from my house, it took four tries to find one that had Cheeseburger Bites available. I am forced to assume this is because they’re so popular. It was almost like having a dinner and a show, as I got to watch my meal-to-be rotating slowly but gracefully on the heated turnstile. $2.16 later, I had my very own cheeseburger shaped like a hot dog, truly a prize to behold.

The first thing you will notice about the Cheeseburger Bite is that it looks like well-formed human poop. Fortunately, the distinct smell it gives off is very much unlike human waste, and rather more like a cheeseburger served at a public school lunch. It is essentially a cheeseburger, after all.

Once you get past its nontraditional appearance, it’s actually quite delicious. The bun is a standard one, and the hot dog (or whatever you want to call it) is delicious and filling. It feels like the ground beef that it is, and the cheese it’s injected with complements the savory-sweet flavor of the meat very well. I made it about halfway through before getting full.

Given the good flavor, reasonable price, and surprisingly low calorie count relative to how filling it is, the Cheeseburger Bite actually made for a pretty good meal. I would recommend it to people who want “the taste of a cheeseburger with the convenience of a hot dog,” though if 7-Eleven isn’t your thing you can always fall back on Trick Dog’s “Trick Dog” which is essentially the same thing but costs $10.

Now I just have to wait for someone to invent a hot dog shaped like a hamburger...

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Ali Wunderman


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