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Friday, May 22, 2015

Friday Afternoon Merriment: Oh Shit, It's Your Birthday

Posted By on Fri, May 22, 2015 at 3:02 PM

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Every year for my birthday, I cook brunch for about 75 people and one thing always goes wrong. Either my dog eats a pot cookie or I can’t find the heels I want to wear or my or a fragment of eggshell gets baked into a frittata. Problems!

As a reality check about those minor woes, a Levittown, Pa. Sweet Sixteen got ruined by poop falling out of the sky, quite likely from one of five jetliners that a guest learned . We’re talking dookie from the sky, feces from 35,000 feet, chemtrails of caca from a commercial craft. While most partygoers were able to dive under a canopy to shield themselves from a stratospheric soiling, this incident was even worse than the Spider Rain that afflicted Australia the other day, although not as bad as the main plot point in Donnie Darko.

Sadly, the local Fox affiliate didn’t include actual video but you do get to see some stained yard furniture, and hear an innocent child say, “I was eating cake and I just heard a big … splat,” as well as a no-nonsense dad from the Philly suburbs explain, “I grabbed the house, immediately start lining things up, and I took the canopy, put it in the lawn to start washing it off.”

Although the birthday girl’s cake — actually two cakes in the shape of a one and a six — was unaffected, the moral is to always have your Sweet Sixteen, cotillion, debutante ball or quinceañera on a yacht, where nothing bad can ever happen.

FOX 29 News Philadelphia | WTXF-TV
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About The Author

Peter Lawrence Kane

Peter Lawrence Kane is SF Weekly's Arts Editor. He has lived in San Francisco since 2008 and is two-thirds the way toward his goal of visiting all 59 national parks.


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