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Pinnacle Cookie Dough Vodka
Smells like: Artificial eggs, plus the kind of cookie dough you buy in a tube and eat when you're stoned, and something else, weirder and nastier. The tasting panel ponders what that might be. "It smells like feet," one exclaims. "Feet on a road trip, after you've been propping them up on the dash for a few hours," another one adds. Alt-weekly writers: always good for a crass simile.
Tastes like: Without indulging in histrionics, SFoodie will say that this is the most disgusting thing we've put in our mouth since our last encounter with silkworm larvae. The flavor is dominated by a fierce grain-alcohol burn, and then comes a weird finish, as if we have been snorting detergent powder. At this point in the tasting, the marshmallow vodka begins to seem like the classiest drink in the bunch.
Bakon, the Bacon-Flavored Vodka
Smells like: Bacon bits? Yes. Lipton soup mix? Even more strongly. Bacon? Not at all. There's a little smokiness to the aroma, but far less than your average blended Scotch, and none of that roasted pork fat aroma underneath. In fact, it's vegan. You mean all you have to do is call something "bacon" and it will sell like crazy? These people are genius.
Tastes like: The faint smokiness to the aroma never makes it into the mouth, and the sense of sipping the broth from a batch of instant ramen grows. The flavor is savory -- a little Mrs. Dash -- but doesn't have much depth. Thankfully, the base spirit, potato vodka, is much smoother than the three previous vodkas SFoodie has been tasting, and it doesn't leave our mouth feeling as if it were scoured by industrial cleaners.
Peanut Butter & Jelly Vodka
Smells like: PB&J vodka definitely smells like peanuts -- more specifically, a can of Planters kept in the closet for several years. Not rancid, but dusty and desiccated.
Tastes like: "This tastes like Mom's secret bad habit," one taster calls out. If so, Mom really needs to be introduced to Goldschlager. The moment the vodka hits the lips, it starts tasting like raspberries -- aha, the jelly! The effect is startling, but then, as the raspberries fade out, that dusty peanut aroma returns. That weird smell lingers well past its expiration date. After two minutes, SFoodie is so disturbed that we take a slug of marshmallow vodka, which doesn't help. Another five minutes, and we walk over to the Test Kitchen soda machine for a can of the world's most effective palate cleanser: Diet Coke. We have to down half a can before the involuntary shuddering stops.
* Please note that no professional spirits tasters were harmed during this experiment.
