There's such abundant love for bacon in this world that thousands of people have hit upon ways to share their love of the crispy pork fat with the rest of us.
But some of these people go to far. Here's five bacon goods we find troubling:
5. Scratch and Sniff shirts
Scratch and sniff items lose their scent almost immediately, leaving the scratcher to squish her nose into the item, eyes closed, trying to recall the scent from the first time she dragged her nail across the image With this bacon-scented shirt, we have to wonder. Are you meant to remove it and then rub it across your face? Or is the benefit of the bacon stink really intended for the owner's friends -- who must love sniffing at chests.
4. Cologne
Cologne and perfumes are one of those close-up smells - like the BO of the person next to you on MUNI. While we'd much rather experience a whiff of breakfast while inching toward Embarcadero, we're not sure it's the optimal scent for daily life or date nights - at work, during jazzercise class, in line at the DMV - our olfactory system might just start to link the scent with memories of commuting or the day we took a really bad license photo, and well, no one wants to associate bacon with an image that could double as a mug shot.
3. Soap
We're not sure where the idea for cleanliness and breakfast came together -- in the shower, perhaps -- but it seems someone has missed an essential fact: Crispy pork fat doesn't suggest cleanliness. We would also advise against shepherd's pie shampoo, grilled cheese conditioner, and Reuben sandwich face wash if you're looking for that squeaky clean feeling. And yes, while ocean, citrus, or lavender may not be very appealing either, there is something called unscented soap, which does a fine job and is usually only a couple of bucks.
2. Toys
Nothing says creepy uncle gift like snugly, plush bacon. We're baffled by the thought anyone under the age of 10 would put this on a Christmas list, mostly because we think upon unwrapping these playful meats they're likely to say, "What is that?" But alas, creepy uncle has thought of everything: Any time someone squeezes it, the pork meat strip toy will call out: "I'm bacon!" Sure fire way to get any three year old crying in no time.
1. Toothpaste and Floss
If going to put bacon in your mouth, we advise you to choose, well, bacon. What's the point of rubbing the flavor of bacon across your tongue, and sliding a thread of smokey essence between your teeth, when you could be munching on the real deal?
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