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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Bliss Edibles' Turtle Bar Will Set Your Brain Spinning

Posted By on Tue, Nov 1, 2011 at 10:00 AM

Bliss Edibles' powerful turtle bar. - DF DICKERSON
  • DF Dickerson
  • Bliss Edibles' powerful turtle bar.

Thirteen bucks well spent: After taking just one bite out of a Medical Cannabis Turtle Bar Bliss, my nipples began to glow.

My first thought was "But wait, I'm a bear." No, not a Cal fan. Not Yogi. I'm a pleasantly roly poly, bearded bear. My second thought: Hold up -- I'm not a bear! I fuck bears, I'm just not so sure if I am counted among them, especially now that bears shapeshifted into big-titted muscle queens.

Allow me to say I know what you're thinking here: hunh? This is what Turtle Bar sets the mind to. Pecans, halved and toasted. Sweetened condensed milk, brown sugar, cannabis butter, corn syrup, vanilla, and salt, all mixed together on low heat until BOOM, vanilla caramel.

I'm imagining my young culinary chub dipping the nuts and medical-cannabis caramel into some warm milk chocolate, then letting it cool and feeding it to me slowly.

There's more to say about Bliss Edibles, and we'll get to all that in a minute, but my brain is preoccupied with bears, instead, and this idea: That, years ago, having dipped my toes into every shade of the LGBTQ spectrum, I used to feel much more at home in our little bear caves, but our subculture, which used to be so masculine-identified and all-inclusive, has become way too bitchy.

Seriously, when I go to Bearracuda, those fat bitches are looking at me like I'm Carrie at the prom.

Ceci n'est pas un ours, bitches.
  • Ceci n'est pas un ours, bitches.

Anyway, confused was exactly how I felt after sinking my teeth into this boss candy bar. My nipples were glowing! Weighing in at 125 mg of Buddha for two thick bars of sweet and salty scrumptiousness, this turtle bar clearly requires some scientific titration.

For munchieheads out there who know nothing about the principals of volumetric analysis, "titrate" means taking baby steps on the dosage, dudes. Take a little bit, see how you feel, and then take another spoonful of your medicine whenever you feel ready and able to do so.

So did having glowing nipples make me a big-tittie queen? Naw. I took another bite and started to grunt. I even said "woof" to it. I started to imagine the cute cub who made my sweet treat. The doughboy hands that made it work this way...

I went to the Bliss Edibles website, looking for unlimited hours of softcore food porn, and discovered the heart and soul of Bliss was Miss Bliss herself. Was I disappointed by the fact that my fantasy cub was actually a cubbette? Not at all. In fact, watching her mix and jiggle simultaneously in the demo had my stoner boner at full mast. What can I say? I like it like that.

You, dear reader, don't have to be a cross-gender chubby chaser. You do, however, have to try Miss Bliss' Turtle Bar. A curvy girl like that has goodies in lots of places. In SF, they're found at The Divinity Tree (958 Geary), SPARC, MediThrive, and BASA Collective. Get some!

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D.F. Dickerson


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