Even San Francisco natives like me are sometimes alarmed by the pressure applied to denizens of this city to publicly acknowledge that we live in the best place on earth. That being said, we certainly do have access to the best of things here: The best intoxicants, stimulants, and ingredients; the top narcotics, robotics, and ... ice cream.

But, sometimes, you just want some coffee. And not necessarily the best coffee but lots of it all the same. And eggs. And hash browns. And lots of that, too. In short, you want a diner.

San Francisco is no haven for blue-collar workers, but it is blessed with a number of blue-collar eateries. Ideally, such establishments serve straightforward fare of the sort people fantasized about while queuing up at Ellis Island, and hefty portions of it. The free refill may be the last remaining vestige of American greatness -- this is a must. And, hopefully, everything should be on the more affordable side (though, in San Francisco, sometimes this just doesn't work out. This is, in part, why it feels like we have more blue-collar restaurants than people). 

In any event, these are are our five favorite diners:

5. It's Tops Coffee Shop

You ever come home really late from work, hastily throw together dinner, and then automatically turn on the TV when you sit down to eat? But since your parents never, ever allowed the family to eat dinner with the TV on -- except when the Giants were playing a really big game -- you feel guilty? So you turn on PBS where, at least, you might learn something. But, instead, a rapidly aging baby boomer is singing horrible Doo-Wop tunes to audiences of even more rapidly aging baby boomers.

Along those lines, at It's Tops, you can hear all of the tunes usually mangled by corpulent hacks on PBS instead crooned by the great original artists -- and at 25 cents for multiple plays on one of the city's most entertaining jukeboxes. The waitresses at this joint still wear Pepto Bismol-pink uniforms, and you couldn't cram any more nostalgic San Francisco paraphernalia into the edifice without exhuming Herb Caen. When your European friends or relatives are looking to eat in an "American restaurant," you could do worse than bringing them here and coughing up a quarter for four plays of Little Richard on the jukebox.

Oh, right. The food. You will get lots of it. It's still 1952 within It's Tops, and the portions are those doled out to San Franciscans who had just won a world war but hadn't yet discovered cholesterol, let alone transfats. Whether it's elaborate San Francisco-themed breakfast platters or simply eggs, pancakes, and toast, you'll do fine here. Those hoping to transgress a few of the seven deadly sins should opt for the mountainous 49er Combo, which comes with two eggs, two sausages, two strips of bacon, hashbrowns, and, of course, pancakes. Good golly Miss Molly, indeed. Especially in a place open until 3 a.m.

You're also free to keep drinking coffee until a caffeine overload induces you to hear allegories in the lyrics of "Good Golly Miss Molly" that foretell an apocalyptic war to end all wars. Or maybe that's just us.  

4. Louis' Restaurant

One of the great joys of this 74-year-old San Francisco institution used to be the Watergate-era decor. Alas, during a lengthy remodeling, the Hontalas family spruced the place up. What's more, as part of the deal for obtaining a 10-year lease, the National Park Service -- which owns the land upon which Louis' sits -- demanded the place start doling out more fresh and local grub.

That co-owner Tom Hontalas was displeased by this clause in his contract might raise a red flag among San Francisco's foodie crowd. On the other hand, while typical diner patrons need not insist on filthy refreshments and awful food, they probably aren't looking for organics either.

In any event, the food you get at Louis' will be good or very good. And the views -- the diner is perched above the ruins of Sutro Baths -- will be spectacular. A hearty breakfast, steaming cup of Joe, and a clear view of the Pacific is an inspiring way to start the day. This is a great place to bring out-of-towners; locales this far west are literally not on the tourists' maps. And now you can order eggs benedict with spinach or a fresh spinach salad (but only when spinach is in season, because it must be sourced to within 200 miles, per the order of the feds. The feds!)



3. Sparky's Diner

This Market and Church haunt is open 24 hours -- meaning, if the need arose, you could indeed order a burger and orange dreamsicle shake at 4:37 in the morning.

 Twenty-four hour restaurants, like inflatable mattresses, often come with caveats. They're great -- for what they are. Not so with Sparky's. It's damn fine any hour of the day for burgers, blimp-sized sandwiches, and damn good fries. And, per Pooja -- the late night phone and computer jockey -- they do get their share of lunatics asking for lunatic things at lunatic hours.

"There was a lady at 1 a.m. who ordered buffalo wings, but only the thigh parts," Pooja said. She was told no. You can, however, get a side of gravy with your burger or french fries, no questions asked.

Pooja says you can also get a peanut butter and bacon sandwich "if you really wanted it." Yes, there is a special joy in eating like Elvis -- especially at Elvis hours.





2. Tommy's Joynt

We freely acknowledge that Tommy's Joynt may not meet the dictionary definition of a diner. Fair enough. But those attracted to diner fare will feel they've breached Valhalla upon walking through Tommy's doors. Hot, carved sandwiches, buffalo chili, chicken a la king -- this is the kind of food Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton used to go out to eat. Read the description the restaurant's founding families proffer of the place and see if you agree:

While the City has been changing year after year, we remain steadfast in our opposition to change. We want things to remain the same because our founders established a reputation in San Francisco; a reputation that promises hot food and cold drink at a price that parries our atmosphere. Our atmosphere is like our food, no frills.

Also, patrons can take all the pickles they deem necessary out of an actual pickle barrel. Oh, and there's beer, too.



1. Eddie's Cafe

At Eddie's, no two coffee cups are the same. It would seem the drinking vessels at the eatery where Al Green is always playing on the soundsystem were acquired by a cross-country driver who stopped at every last tourist stand and twice at Graceland.

Finding cheaper, better Southern diner fare -- grits, hashbrowns, "soul food" -- would be difficult (Your humble narrator prefers two pancakes with eggs over easy, grits, and salmon patties).

But it'd be damn near impossible to find a place with food of this quality and price occupied by such an eclectic mix: Elderly African Americans of the fedora-wearing era; emaciated, unwashed, tattooed hipsters; and, to top it off, the soul food cafe is owned and operated by Asians.

See? In San Francisco we really do have the best of everything.

Have your own favorite San Francisco diners? Leave a comment. It's what the comments section is for!