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Friday, August 19, 2011

Attention Berkeley and KTVU: Bacon Isn't the World's Biggest Problem

Posted By on Fri, Aug 19, 2011 at 3:05 PM

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We were shocked -- shocked -- to learn this morning that Berkeley students are protesting something. In this case, it's the inclusion of bacon in the pinto beans at Chipotle.

We are still agog at this breathless KTVU Report on the scandal. How did KTVU learn Chipotle's dark bacony secret? Um, from Chipotle's company website.

And how effectively had Chipotle been hiding this bacon from its sensitive Berkeley customers? Well, if you ask for vegetarian dishes, the staff apparently instructs you to order the black beans, because the pinto beans "have meat in them." But they don't say what meat! Let's march on Washington!

This story was so silly we should just let it pass. Nah. Where do we begin?

First off, Chipotle is a corporate fast-food chain, nurtured by McDonald's investment. So maybe patrons should be happy they're getting bacon instead of, say, earthworm meat.

Not that we have any problem with Chipotle: it's one of the better chains, and recently hired former San Francisco chef Nate Appleman to work on its menu. But still, Berkeley students, if you want to eat healthier, more sensitively, whatever, consider supporting locally owned businesses. Don't they teach that over there?

Second, we can't understand why KTVU had to interview a rabbi to learn that Jews shouldn't eat bacon. Don't you have any Jewish people on staff? Or friends? It was news to us that the rabbi believes Jews can eat bacon if they're about to die.

"I should say if you were dying, you could eat it to survive," rabbi David Kasher told KTVU. "Most of our laws can be violated to save a life."

But how many people find themselves about to die from malnutrition in front of the counter at Chipotle? Perhaps now Jews who want to eat ham-and-cheese sandwiches have an end-around: they can hold one hand on the sandwich, and the other on a gun pointed at their own head.

Fortunately, Berkeley's tradition of protest has once again beaten The Man! KTVU reports that Chipotle claims it will list bacon on the menu "in the next few months." Victory! Thank God.

Now that y'all have solved that pressing issue, may we remind you the United States is still in two wars that the administration can't explain the purpose of; California has 12% unemployment but Congress is cutting aid rather than restoring taxes on the wealthiest Americans; and Michelle Bachmann, who says global warming is a hoax, is the leading Presidential candidate of the currently dominant American political party.

Or would you rather look into which Subway sandwiches contain ham? Power to the people!

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W. Blake Gray


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