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Friday, August 12, 2011

Bacon Gives You Diabetes and Cheese Is Killing the Planet!

Posted By on Fri, Aug 12, 2011 at 1:55 PM

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• Have you seen these (not actually) hilarious Velveeta ads that try to fool people into thinking that Velveeta Cheesy Skillets aren't made of processed food-product and chemical death? First off, I don't want anyone to ever complain about vegans having a sad or gross diet again. Glass houses! And secondly: What the eff were the advertisers who came up with this thinking!? I mean, I know ad people only do actual work for 10 minutes a day and spend the rest of their time fucking on copy machines and worrying about getting fired, BUT COME ON. You're given a product that contains a hundred ingredients, most of them plastic, that is actively trying to kill everything it touches, and you're all, "YES! Let's use a 19th-century blacksmith to sell this shit as wholesome and pure!" See, if I worked in advertising, I'd be all, "Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put a Velveeta Cheesy Skillet next to a flaming pile of dog shit covered in shards of glass and the slogan would be, "IT'S THE SLIGHTLY BETTER CHOICE." Bam! Done and done! I'll take my $1 million now, please.

Babycakes is opening another location of its vegan bakery in Los Angeles. Yay to that! Boo to the fact that it's in L.A.! Boo to the fact that L.A. even exists! J/k, Los Angeles has a lot to recommend it, including many people I hang out with (who are celebrities) (I can't say who) (I saw Cher once in a mall), excellent vegan food (due to fact that the area is filled with idiots who think vegan = healthy. Idiots!), and gorgeous (polluted) beaches.

• SF Vegan Happy Hour is TODAY! Get down to the Hemlock Tavern from 6-9 p.m. and remember to bring lots of food to eat (it's a potluck!) and buy many drinks and be very fat and drunk. VEGAN HAPPY HOURS RULE. RSVP on Facebook, nerd.

My Three Vegan Dishes column is up at SFist! What should you be eating in S.F. this week? As always, I've got your back. You know that, right? For as much shit as I talk, you know I'd catch a grenade for ya. Why you'd ask me to catch a grenade, I have no idea. Well, unless you wanted to kill me. OH I SEE HOW IT IS.

The Teal Cat Project debuted this week. What is the Teal Cat Project? HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK? Ugh, it's where a couple of awesome vegan ladies take antique cats, spray paint them teal, thereby making them hella fresh, and then sell them to you for $25. DUH. The raised money goes to worthy organizations that specialize in the trapping, neutering, and return of feral cats, hoping to humanely end the problem of cat overpopulation. So buy a cat and raise awareness! And if you are a cat, STOP MAKING BABIES.

People are hella stealing raw meat from grocery stores, because we're in a huge recession and the government refuses to tax the fuck out of corporations so the Poor Everyman must resort to sticking ground chuck down his drawers. Shameful, America!

• Grist has a good piece up investigating our cheese consumption and how it's killing the planet. And it is, even Grist agrees, which is saying a lot, because they love to waffle on issues such as this. The non-vegan author writes, "Bottom line: The vegans are right." READ IT AND WEEP OVER YOUR WEDGE OF BRIE, YOU SELFISH IDIOT. Sorry, that kind of vindication is sweet when it comes and I can't help but go Full Asshole. I'm sorry, I am a weak and bad person. So even though it's true, she makes some plea to eat organic, sustainable cheese or whatever but that shit is hella hard to find, not long-term sustainable, and super expensive, so why not just go balls to the wall and quit eating the stuff? I know you're all, "WAH WAH BUT CHEESE IS BETTER THAN SEX WAH" and to that I say, "Dang, you must be really bad at sex then." Learn how to properly pleasure yourself and GO VEGAN!

• Ellen "How Dooooes She Do It?!" DeGeneres launched a website to help people go vegan! It's not the best website but it'll probably save more animal lives than all the vegan blogs put together and multiplied by a million and then multiplied by another million. Man, what I would give to have 1/1,000,000th of the amount of hits she gets. I've tried everything! Except being hella famous! Which, if you think about it, is more your fault than mine. GET IT TOGETHER.

Make me this Chana Masala immediately.

• Eating just two pieces of bacon a day ups your chance for Type 2 Diabetes by 50 PERCENT. The study is from the American Journal for Clinical Nutrition but I read about in the Daily Mail (best fake newspaper ever!), which calls the bacon slices "rashers." SO CHARMING. Ugh, give me a crooked-toothed British-accented weirdo and let me have my disgusting way with him! If you didn't just puke, check your pulse, because that was really gross.

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus! and tweets at mrpenguino.
Follow SFoodie on Twitter: @SFoodie, and like us on Facebook.

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Laura Beck

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