Look 1: The hat. Gael Greene has been rocking oversized hats for four decades now, and it has gotten her in bed with Elvis. The hat says: You can't see my piercing and highly recognizable eyes, but from my nose down, I'm hot. Right? Right.
2. The apron. If you're going to be a recognizable public figure, as the New York Times' Craig Claiborne surely was, at least try to look intellectual, with schoolmarm glasses pushed to half-mast. The apron is practical when you're rushing from crab feasts on the docks to vol-au-vents at Lutèce. Bonus: a tie. So Mad Men.
3. The mask. People always tell me I should wear a mask on reviews so I won't get recognized. Then they giggle. Well, Bruce Wayne isn't the only critic who's tried it.
4.
Skinny. So, so skinny.
5. Props. LA Weekly's Jonathan Gold gets to go everywhere -- taquerias, Korean blood sausage stands, LudoBites -- wearing only an oversized goblet in front of his face. Practical. (Personally, I'd add a long straw.) And notice how his right arm is so much beefier than his left?
6. Wigs. Once people have giggled over the idea of me wearing a mask, they suggest I wear a wig when I visit restaurants where the staff might recognize me. No, really, they insist when I shake my head. Haven't you read Ruth Reichl's memoirs? Then I remind them of what a man wearing a wig usually looks like.
7. A shadow. It's freaky the way the Chronicle's critic is able to walk around, in the middle of the day, and all people see is a black silhouette. I've been with the man at parties, and it's impossible to keep him in sight. Bonus: He gets to drink from that snifter of brandy, instead of having to hold it in front of his face.
