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Friday, July 8, 2011

"Zookeeper" Sucks, Fish Is Full of Plastic, and S.F. Vegan Happy Hour!

Posted By on Fri, Jul 8, 2011 at 3:21 PM


• Tonight is SF Vegan Happy Hour! They're really fun potlucks with great food and drinking and drugs (WHAT NO THAT'S CRAZY AND ILLEGAL). Go meet cool vegans and eat until you explode! It's Friday, baby!

• This is huge news: United Egg Producers has partnered with the Humane Society of the United States to commit to better conditions for chickens on factory farms. I mean, that's kinda crazy, because the UEP has been fighting legislation that allows for more room and better conditions since the beginning of time. The agreement is far from perfect -- it doesn't address debeaking and the fact that live male chicks are destroyed in woodchippers -- but the fact that UEP is committing to work with HSUS is huge. Hopefully this will lead to more reform for animals who are forced into these horrific conditions so you can enjoy your cholesterolettes. (See what I did there with cholesterol and omelettes? Clever? No? Well, I hope it at least angered you and pushed your cholesterolettes through the roof!)

Mark Bittman has got a good piece up about how Americans need to check their own food scene before bitching about how the Chinese are handing their food business. He talks about how there were lots of bizarre food safety and contaminated food incidents in China lately, and the government seems to be actively trying to cover it up by blacklisting journalists and so on. But the exact same thing is true here in the U.S., people! Glass houses, okay?

Your fish is full of plastics! Yum! You'll have the orange roughy with a side of Gatorade bottle. No, but really: The dead fish you're eating is full of garbage. Fish are like, "Enjoy eating some of the garbage you poisoned us with before you captured and killed us, you homely motherfuckers! You can't even breathe underwater, you stupid!"

Tai shows her acting chops with a vampire who at least aspires to being a vegan
  • Tai shows her acting chops with a vampire who at least aspires to being a vegan

Zookeeper opens today, starring the same abused elephant that was in Water for Elephants. No, not Kevin James, I'm talkin' 'bout Tai! Screw Kevin James for stealing Rob Schneider's career, and screw this movie for using and abusing animals to make a film nobody will remember in five minutes. Now, what were we talking about?

• Salmonella in the States! Not only is that what I'm calling my first HBO special, it's also what's for-real happening. God, we live in a horror film. Actually, this time it's E. coli, and oodles of people in Tennessee and Virginia are getting sick -- really sick -- from scary shit that come from animal shit. This bit of coverage is really good, and includes a really sad tale about E. coli and small children. Now I'm just depressed BLERG.

• If you're vegan and you're gonna get arrested, do it in San Francisco, where you can indulge in delicious (?) vegan food in jail! Actually, even if you're not vegan, you should probably say you are, because the type of meat that's sold to prisons is SCARY. I mean, it's not as scary as what we sell to schools, but we've got our priorities!

Vegan Speed Dating is coming to San Francisco, and gentlemen, you can win a ticket! SCARY LARRY/Fun! There is just too much to say about this topic and I feel like I'll break SF Weekly's website if I start the jokes so we'll just leave it at that. But really, I'm a cynic, and if you believe in love, especially vegansexual love, go for it!

SF Weekly's food critic/Resident Awesome Guy Mr. Jonathan Kauffman tried a King of Currywurst Chilean vegan hot dog and found it acceptable, if not amazing. Word to the wise: The bun has a little milk in it, but we're hopeful it'll have a vegan one soon. Until now, you can just hold the hot dog and eat it like a ... banana? Maybe I'll ask Kauffman nicely if he'll take me back and you can peep us eating hot dogs on a corner together! Celebrity sighting! I'm the fat redhead in the sexy floral muumuu and I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT JONATHAN KAUFFMAN LOOKS LIKE ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?!

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus! and tweets at mrpenguino.
Follow SFoodie on Twitter: @SFoodie, and like us on Facebook.

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