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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

You Know You Love It: Seven Best Chain Restaurants in S.F. Bay Area

Posted By on Tue, Jun 7, 2011 at 4:08 PM

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5. Olive Garden

Even after we learned the O.G. lied to us about its cooking school in old Napoli -- Surprise! It's actually just a hotel where it puts up a few employees for a couple of days each year -- we can't turn our backs on its irresistible endless soup, salad, and breadsticks combo. Where else can you eat like a king for a mere $6.99? That's hospitaliano! And when the "bottomless bowls of pasta special" comes around? Fucking forget it, it is on. The expert way to play this deal is to fill up on soup, salad, and breadsticks, eat exactly one bite of your pasta dish, and then take the rest home. If you roll hard, you'll put away a plate or two of pasta before taking your third to go. Pro tip: You can take anything left on the table home with you, so don't hold back. What else are you gonna eat while watching midnight reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond in the same sweatpants you wore to the restaurant? Think, goddammit!

click to enlarge It's a fucking burrito, Chipotle.
  • It's a fucking burrito, Chipotle.

4. Chipotle

Now, it might seem sacrilege to talk about Chipotle when we have some of the world's best burritos within our city limits, but 1) screw you, snob; and 2) They're totally different things! El Farolito gives an honest-to-god authentic gut bomb from heaven/hell, and Chipotle is its dorky, puny cousin in the corner, whining about trans fats. How much more American can you get? Plus, that shit is tasty. The corn mixture Chipotle's tops everything with? Ridic! Perhaps Chipotle's greatest gift is that it allows us to fool ourselves, offering the illusion of selling more nutritious food -- fuck, we've gone so far as to embarrassingly call it "health food." You might feel virtuous ordering your gordita in a spinach tortilla, but if you calculate the Weight Watchers Points (tm) on that thing, you'll realize you can't eat for another five days. Worth it!

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Laura Beck


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