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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

10 Reasons You Can't Be a Professional Chef (Even if You Make Really, Really Good Lasagna)

Posted By on Wed, May 25, 2011 at 10:06 AM

Page 3 of 3

click to enlarge Dude, have you ever thought that maybe like, inside each drop of gravy there's a whole other world, like a little gravy Earth with little gravy people, and then they're pouring gravy into a dish? Fuuuuuck.
  • Dude, have you ever thought that maybe like, inside each drop of gravy there's a whole other world, like a little gravy Earth with little gravy people, and then they're pouring gravy into a dish? Fuuuuuck.

7. You don't really know how to dice an onion. Or have any knife skills, actually. In the hour it took you to chop veggies for one stew, you shoulda turned out about 17 buckets of potatoes. You know what you, aided by Alton, hold up as your greatest chopping work? That would be displayed for ridicule in a professional kitchen. And we're just talking about Applebee's here.

8. You're not great in high pressure situations. Remember how stressed you got setting up the taco bar for your birthday party? That doesn't begin to compare to the hellfire of working the line in a busy restaurant. People go from being atheists to believing in God and back again in the course of one shift.

9. You've written one too many Yelp reviews. You may have forgotten when you said that garnish was a little "overwrought" but the Restaurant Gods have not. They're gonna fuck you hard for that one, kiddo.

And, even if you should manage to hack it on the line, remember this:

10. You will never be a famous chef. You know how you roll your eyes at yowling freaks on American Idol who think they're gonna become rich and famous because they can do karaoke? Guess what? They've got more chances to escape anonymity than you do working in a kitchen. Here's a thousand carrots. Chop 'em all. Now chop a thousand more. Repeat until you die.

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus! and tweets at mrpenguino. Follow SFoodie on Twitter: @SFoodie, and like us on Facebook.

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Laura Beck

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