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Friday, October 22, 2010

Best Practices for Being Authentically Slow Food

Posted By on Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 11:37 AM

But is it local?
  • But is it local?
But is it local?
  • But is it local?

Important: Slow food doesn't mean eating Snooki (or anyone else who is "slow" mentally). Besides, that shit is definitely NOT organic. Slow Food is an eating movement that counteracts fast food and fast life, and connects us with the Earth and its Magical Bounty.

Basically, it's the dietary equivalent of Sting and Ms. Sting's sex life. Yum! Okay, let's get down to business.

First, it helps if you're a college-educated white person. Make sure you're that before moving on.

Second, you have to quit your job. You're going to need all the time you have to slowly get familiar with Japanese table-arranging, goats in Chianti, Vietnamese poultry, and learning everything you possibly can about Cowgirl Creamery. If you have to work, just fucking forget it. Skip ahead to the part about being adopted by a Slow Food convivium; it's your only hope. Until then, enjoy your Doritos and Colt 45, fatty.

Next, clear your pantry and fridge of any stray food from your old life. OMG don't eat that crap and don't even THINK about composting it. If it destroys your insides, just think what it will do to Mother Earth. But that's the problem, isn't it? You haven't been thinking. Starting today you'll be replacing everything in your house with the organic, chemical- and preservative-free, biodynamic, cruelty-free carrots grown in soil fertilized with your own shit.

Next, join a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA, duh). If feces-grown isn't enough and the 2,000 farmers' markets don't have what you need, get it delivered to your front door. CSA deliveries contain everything from garlic to pomegranates. But mostly leeks. You better learn to make pumpkin pie from leeks because that's all you'll be getting for months.

You might have read The Omnivore's Dilemma and been concerned that you have to decrease your meat consumption to lessen your impact on the environment. But you don't! With resources like Marin Sun Farms, you can go in responsibly with your network of Slow Food convivia on whole slaughtered goats. With each bite of ayurvedic goat curry from Jamie Oliver's secret blog (you're not ready), feel yourself become one with nature.

See, if you can afford to pay the market price for locally raised, hand-slaughtered animal protein, you are performing a vital act of economic dissent. With that under your belt, you can feel free to eat as much of it as you want. And if you happen to be out at an eatery serving meat of dubious origin? You know what? Don't worry about it. You already do so much for the planet. Live a little. Remember, when it comes to Slow Food, what you say is more important than what you do!

Being a Slow Foodie doesn't require you to abstain from friendly interaction. At parties, refrain from eating anything until you identify if the beanie weenie was made with organic, chemical- and preservative-free, biodynamic, free-range, cruelty-free pork. Your host will love it when you ask this question, so be ready for a hug! If she invites you to go to hell, don't worry — alienating your friends and family is the first sign you're doing it right.

Preach about Slow Food to everyone who will listen. Pay no mind to critics who claim it doesn't scale or that it's for elitist snobs, or that normal people who can't afford the time or money for lengthy, costly dinners get left out in the cold. Those people are just Sad Poors. That brings me to your next challenge: saving someone.

When you're feeling more secure in your mastery of Slow Food, find a poor family (it's best if they're in a minority class and could afford to lose a few pounds; also single mothers will earn you extra street* cred) and teach them to eat correctly. If you don't educate these people about quinoa, who will? WHO? Make sure to let them know that if they refrain from all the Hostess products, cigarettes, and People magazines, they might be able to afford high-quality local food. Ask them to drive you to their nearest supermarket to obtain fresh vegetables (only 20 minutes away!). Oh, nobody has a car? Oops!

Advanced teachings:

- Heritage everything. It's ESPECIALLY important to preserve Heritage birds. What would you eat at Thanksgiving if they were extinct? Think about it.

- No longer referring to food as "tasty" or "delicious." Where did you go to school? U.C. Riverside? Food is to be described as "lovingly prepared, and "massaged to your liking" into a "fragrant ecstasy." When in doubt, describe everything as sensual.

- You'd better learn to fucking love kombucha because you're gonna be brewing it in your bathtub next week.

Don't be intimidated, many rewards await you on your journey to Slow Food Mastery. For example, if you ever become a Seventh Level Slow Foodie, you get to watch Alice Waters and Michael Pollan have sex.

*street = 18th between Valencia and Dolores.

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Laura Beck


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