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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Cat Daddy Jackson Galaxy Sees Your A**hole Cat, Raises You 45 Kisses

Posted By on Wed, May 23, 2012 at 8:30 AM

  • The t-shirt says it all.

Anyone who has lived with an asshole cat knows the look: pupils dilated, ears folded back, tail snapping from side to side like a metronome. Without warning, this fearsome (but soft and cuddly and so fucking cute) predator hunkers down behind a chair in your living room, waiting to strike. And you're never prepared when he sinks his fangs repeatedly into your tender calf meat with the speed and precision of a sewing machine before stalking off as though nothing has happened. Meanwhile, you -- and your ego -- are confused and bleeding.

In his 15 years working with animals, cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy, the tattooed-and-pierced host of Animal Planet's My Cat From Hell, has repaired many such damaged relationships between cats and their humans. By abandoning the need to rationalize problems and instead looking at the world from a cat's perspective, he has developed therapeutic and environmental techniques he likes to call "cat mojo."

And it works. He has brought peace to two warring cats who used to run shrieking across the bed at night, for example, or a stubborn fella who peed on the air conditioner instead of the litter box, or a crazy calico who fucking hated the new roommate.

In his new book Cat Daddy: What the World's Most Incorrigible Cat Taught Me About Life, Love, and Coming Clean, Galaxy details the long, sloppy road that took him from self-conscious animal shelter employee, wannabe rock star, and addict to nationally known Cat Daddy, as well as what he learned from Benny, his very own asshole cat.

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Monday, April 30, 2012

Tori Spelling's Party Planning: Details Matter, Calories Don't

Posted By on Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 7:30 AM


After reading celebraTORI, professional famous person Tori Spelling's 275-page Pinterest post about "unleashing your inner party planner to entertain friends and family," I am somewhat surprised to report that my inner party planner does, in fact, exist, and that it thinks party favors are the coolest.

But my snarky sense of skepticism also exists (and is decidedly healthier), and it smirks, rubs its fat hands together, and orders another whiskey on the rocks when it encounters suggestions such as, "You must have many desserts, and they must be displayed at all different heights."

Because let's face it: Tori is not a terribly sympathetic character. This is a woman whose tits have gotten more press time than most other architectural mishaps, from when her daddy first bought them in her 90210 days to the picture her husband Dean McDermott "accidentally" tweeted last November. She's also the kind of person who whines about an $800,000 inheritance, so perhaps it should be unsurprising that her money-saving tips include, "Sometimes it is just plain better, and sometimes even cheaper, to throw money at the problem." (Trying to sort out her logic actually gave me a tension headache.)

But hey, I needed an excuse to have my friends over, and for most people "come meet my cats and cuddle in the sun room" is not a good enough reason to make the trip across town. So I promised cocktails and appetizers, and then I set to prepping with celebraTORI as my guide.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Vomiting into the Bermuda Triangle: Five Lessons in Unemployment

Posted By on Tue, Apr 17, 2012 at 8:30 AM

Because unemployment can be bleak, here's an unrelated but uplifting photo of a kitten with a mustache. - HTTP://CUTESTUFF.CO
  • Because unemployment can be bleak, here's an unrelated but uplifting photo of a kitten with a mustache.

I have been unemployed for the past seven months. During this time I've discovered that applying for jobs feels a lot like vomiting into the Bermuda Triangle: Every day, countless resumes, applications, and cover letters -- and the hours spent working on them -- vanish without a trace, seemingly swallowed by a rift in the space-time continuum.

I learned the unfortunate truth of this conspiracy theory after I quit my job last September. My family and friends all responded to my decision to wing it by saying, "Recession, rabble, rabble, rabble." But I figured a few weeks browsing Career Builder is all it would take to land a shiny new career -- right after I took a well-deserved vacation to South Padre Island, of course. But like I said, that was more than half a year ago. Now reality has settled in, and each day I become a little less certain that I will ever again be gainfully employed.

Here are five other things I've learned about long-term unemployment.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Five Things to Expect When You Quit Being Such an Unrepentant Drunk

Posted By on Wed, Mar 21, 2012 at 8:30 AM

Streams of whiskey are flowing.
  • Streams of whiskey are flowing.

In our early to mid-20s, most of us probably experienced what is euphemistically known as a "lost weekend." These temporary nosedives into extreme excess are frequently characterized by Jager shots with PBR chasers, beer pong, public nudity, making out with strangers, and/or pooping on your ex-boyfriend's car.

Far from being frowned upon, these occasional binges have become something of a cultural rite of passage, the crazy times you'll laugh about later over dinner with your former drinking buddies when you've all grown the fuck up.

But sometimes a youthful boozer is afflicted with a chronic case of arrested development and continues haunting the same old barstool, much to the detriment of grown-up jobs and relationships. When a 30-year-old stumbles from the bar to the taco truck and drips meat and salsa down her shirt before passing out on the curb, it's no longer cute and silly; it's just tired and kind of sad.

For these reasons I have recently capped the streams of whiskey flowing into my own life and quit being such an unrepentant drunk, for once. Here are five things I've noticed.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Science Says My Cat Might Be Slowly Poisoning Me ... And I'm Cool With That

Posted By on Tue, Feb 28, 2012 at 8:30 AM

Jaroslav Flegr knows a lot about craziness and cat ownership. - THE ATLANTIC
  • The Atlantic
  • Jaroslav Flegr knows a lot about craziness and cat ownership.

Dear Jaroslav Flegr,

The other night I went to dinner with a friend, and while she was in the restroom I ate half of her sweet potato fries and then denied it. After I left the restaurant, I backed into someone's car in the parking lot and didn't leave a note. Then I went home, bumped my elbow on the kitchen counter, and got so mad I kicked the wall, leaving a smudged, grayish footprint on the white paint. When I move out, I'll deny that too.

When I fuck up these days, I don't take responsibility for any of it. No, instead I blame the parasites dwelling in my brain, pulling my strings, the most insidious of puppet masters. And it's all because of your research, featured in the March issue of The Atlantic, that I have this fabulous new scapegoat for my delinquency. I especially like to blame Toxoplasma gondii, or Toxo for short, a parasite frequently found in cat feces that has been shown to subtly alter human behavior. For relieving me of the crushing responsibility of being a good person, I must thank you.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Five Quick and Easy Ways to Make Valentine's Day Suck Less

Posted By on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 12:00 PM


On a "holiday" intended to celebrate lovers, even relatively happy and well-adjusted single people can't help but feel a little left out.

Here's a quick and easy checklist of five ways you can make the VD suck less.

5. Masturbate. Because really, when doesn't that help?

4. Have you ever been eating a sandwich at a restaurant when suddenly you felt the tug of something like floss between your teeth, and you realized there was a hair in your mouth? And it would be slightly better if you were at home and you knew it was your hair, but instead you are in public, chewing on someone else's? And it's lunch hour and the restaurant is busy, and short of sticking out your tongue and combing it with your fingertips or spitting out globs of wet bread and meat on your plate and grossing out everyone around you, there's really nothing you can do about it? You just have to resign yourself to it with dignity: "I am going to eat this hair now." Basically, treat Valentine's Day like you're eating a hairy sandwich.

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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

5 Tips for Feeling Like You've Accomplished Something By 30

Posted By on Tue, Jan 31, 2012 at 8:00 AM

I know it's bad form, but sometimes I still want to eat as much junk food as possible as quickly as possible. Last night, for example, while in line at the grocery store, I wanted to grab as many Kit Kats and Twizzlers as I could carry and shovel them into my face hole on the drive home. In the same way other people imagine themselves winning a marathon, I visualized myself eating a Kit Kat in three large, gooey bites, forgoing the traditional suggestion to break me off a piece.

But I averted hyperglycemic crisis by grabbing a small container of fat-free Yoplait Light yogurt with a picture of black forest cake on the front -- fluffy white frosting, chocolate sprinkles, two layers of moist, dark chocolate cake, a bright red maraschino cherry on top. And only 100 calories! And, as I discovered once I got home and dug in, the disappointing flavor of shitty frozen strawberries and artificial sweetener. I think those shriveled, red globs in there were supposed to be cherries. I also think one of those unpronounceable ingredients listed on the back means "cruel lies."

I bring this up because I'm turning 30 this year (shout-out to all my fellow 1982 babies), and while I hoped that by now I would have the proverbial black forest cake, instead I'm clinging to a tiny bucket of strawberry lies. Fortunately, it's not all bad, and we wayward rogues in our late 20s and early 30s can still trick ourselves into feeling accomplished and satisfied while we finish getting our shit together. In addition to the obvious, like traveling, doing what you love, and motorboating kitties, here are a few suggestions.

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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Five Tips for Becoming a Karaoke Superstar: Be Drunk, Don't Sing Jewel, and More

Posted By on Thu, Jan 12, 2012 at 7:15 AM


As you strive to improve yourself in the new year, in addition to crap like running on the treadmill, not eating in bed, only wearing sweatpants at home and sometimes to the grocery store, and doing laundry more than once a month, make at least one resolution you'll actually want to keep.

Today's suggestion: Become a karaoke superstar. Never mind your friends who are learning how to cook vegan meals or make blown glass art to sell on Etsy. Instead focus on mastering these five easy steps to singing other people's songs in places where beer is sold in 24-ounce "schooners," and the food, the bathroom, and most of the other patrons are all a little bit sketchy.

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Five Ingredients of Shitty Chick Flicks ... And How to Fix Them

Posted By on Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 8:00 AM

Bridesmaids: A chick flick that doesn't suck.
  • Bridesmaids: A chick flick that doesn't suck.
After my most recent breakup, my best friends insisted we drink wine and watch Sex and the City: The Movie. I was hesitant, anticipating a steaming pile of cinematic heartbreak with the obligatory wedding on top, but I was too stricken, starving, and sleepless to fight them. 

Turns out my suspicions were correct: Sex and the City worked hard to stoke the dying embers of the romantic bullshit that allows anyone to even become heartbroken in the first place. That, and convince me life would be more awesome with $800 shoes.

So the fact that many people believe the classic romantic comedy is dying a slow death and that the dearth of successful chick flicks in 2011 is indicative of that trend is welcome news indeed.

Because when a movie sets out to manipulate me, my instinct is to resist. I grit my teeth and imagine a smarmy studio executive who has emotional manipulation down to a recipe: Take a serving of "terminal cancer" topped with a heaping dose of "love beating the odds" and a dash of "waxing poetic on shit being temporary and painful, but ultimately worth it" and finish it off with a scene of someone running barefoot in the rain ... and they know they've got me.

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Monday, November 28, 2011

Crafting with Cat Hair: Not Just for Crazy Cat Ladies

Posted By on Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 8:00 AM


When I was a kid, for Christmas I got one of those dolls whose hair sprouted from the crown of her head when you cranked her arm clockwise like a pencil sharpener. The first thing I wanted to do was give her a haircut, so once I got away from the prying eyes of Mom and Dad, I hacked off her blond ponytail with a pair of scissors. Then I rotated her arm a couple of turns, and, like magic, her hair re-grew.

Naturally I applied this same logic to my new kitten's fur and whiskers -- if I cut them off, they'd grow back immediately, right? Unfortunately that was not the case, and the poor fella spent several weeks barefaced and sporting several unsightly bald spots. (Don't worry, though: His hair and whiskers did eventually grow back, and he lived happily for 17 years. Also, my parents yelled at me.)

If only I'd read Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat, Japanese author Katsori Tsutaya's step-by-step guide to turning your pets' fur balls into felt and thereby cementing your status as the crazy cat lady, I would have known that scissors are not an appropriate implement for harvesting cat hair: "When crafting with your cat, it is important to remove hair only by gentle brushing. Do not shave your cat."

This is good to know, because when the title says "handicrafts to make with your cat," it isn't just being cute. These crafts contain their DNA.

Coming up: I harvest my own cats' fur and construct some handicrafts... while drunk. On silliness!

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  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"