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Things We Made Up for Satirical Purposes

Monday, August 10, 2015

Why Are People Stealing Journalists' Equipment?

Posted By on Mon, Aug 10, 2015 at 4:00 PM

  • Anan Kaewkhammul/Shutterstock

Robbers appear to be targeting Bay Area photojournalists and TV crews. Why do journalists make such good targets?

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Monday, August 3, 2015

Apple Opening S.F. Office Mostly to Taunt Us

Posted By on Mon, Aug 3, 2015 at 11:05 AM

  • FooTToo/Shutterstock

SAN FRANCISCO – Apple Inc.’s senior leadership announced this week that they are leasing a 76,000 square foot in San Francisco in order to troll the city.

“When the Dark Room closed, we saw a real opportunity to rub it in,” said Derek Thompson, Apple’s Senior Vice President for Lulz. “I’m not saying there’s ‘no’ business case for Apple to finally look for a San Francisco office during a period of rampant real estate speculation and the loss of cherished cultural institutions, but that’s definitely the fun part.”

Apple’s new SoMa presence is estimated to run approximately $66 per square foot, prices so ridiculous that even if it weren’t a joke would sound like one.

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Thursday, July 30, 2015

Why Are the Bay Area's Roads So Bad?

Posted By on Thu, Jul 30, 2015 at 12:30 PM

  • Africa Studio/Shutterstock

A new non-profit report says the Bay Area’s roads are the worst in the nation. Why are our roads so bad?

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Monday, July 27, 2015

Confederate-Flag-Clad Stripper at an S.F. Judge's Retirement Party

Posted By on Mon, Jul 27, 2015 at 10:00 AM

  • Piotr Marcinski/

A retirement party at the city courthouse for superior court judge Richard Kramer featured handcuffs, a whip, and a stripper wearing a Confederate battle flag on her clothes. What happened?

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Friday, July 24, 2015

"Truth Is Beauty" Burner Statue Finding Rocky Reception in San Leandro

Posted By on Fri, Jul 24, 2015 at 1:00 PM

Truth Is Beauty - TWITTER
  • Twitter
  • Truth Is Beauty

San Leandro has courted controversy by making the centerpiece of its tech campus “Truth is Beauty,” a 45-foot statue of a naked woman that premiered at Burning Man in 2013.

Why is the choice of art causing such a kerfuffle?

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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

"Go Set a Watchman" to Be Adapted for Film as Part of Marvel Universe

Posted By on Wed, Jul 15, 2015 at 9:15 AM

  • Nando Machado /

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – In an announcement that shook the publishing world, Disney executives today confirmed that Harper Lee’s new novel Go Set a Watchman will be adapted as a Marvel Comics movie by 2018.

According to unconfirmed reports, Jennifer Lawrence will star as Scout, a New York City girl from a small Southern town whose life changes forever after she is exposed to cosmic rays. Kevin Spacey will play her father, the mighty space lawyer Atticus Finch, and Billy Bob Thornton will play immortal mob boss Boo Radley.

Samuel L. Jackson and Faye Dunaway are confirmed to return as Col. Nick Fury and the morphine-addled Mrs. Dubose, respectively. Joss Whedon will direct.

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Monday, July 13, 2015

Comic Con Now Almost Entirely Bereft of Comic Books

Posted By on Mon, Jul 13, 2015 at 12:00 PM

  • Sam Aronov /

SAN DIEGO — Fans from across the world swarmed this California city in order to celebrate and portray their favorite characters from movies, TV shows, Netflix series, and video games.

Lending diversity to the crowd, a few people who read comic books were there, too.

“I think it’s great that people who read comic books feel comfortable here,” said Comic Con co-organizer Jeffrey Troy, wearing a storm trooper outfit that is a near perfect replica of the ones used in Star Wars IV: A New Hope. “It just shows you what an open and accepting community we are.”

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Wednesday, July 8, 2015

I Guess We Can't Have Heroes Anymore: Jared Fogle and Kiddie Porn

Posted By on Wed, Jul 8, 2015 at 10:31 AM

  • Helga Esteb /

INDIANAPOLIS — While it would be a stretch to say anyone one actually “looked up” to celebrity Subway sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle, everyone from political leaders to ordinary Americans has expressed shock at just how far he could — apparently — fall, now that the Indiana State Police have raided his home looking for evidence of child pornography.

“I had absolutely no expectations of him as a public figure, and yet he’s still managed to disappoint me,” said Wilmington, Del., resident Sandy May. “Were my standards here really somehow too high? Because I’m honestly not sure how they could have been any lower. Pretty much just ‘anything but this.’"

According to an FBI spokesman, it is simply not possible for anyone to be a role model anymore, not even just a guy who lost some weight.

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Monday, July 6, 2015

BLM Memo: Burning Man Is Just Like Afghanistan

Posted By on Mon, Jul 6, 2015 at 12:05 PM

Are these spartan accommodations in the Black Rock Desert or south of Kandahar? - WATCHTHEWORLD/SHUTTERSTOCK
  • Watchtheworld/Shutterstock
  • Are these spartan accommodations in the Black Rock Desert or south of Kandahar?

The Bureau of Land Management says that its VIPs and senior leaders need facilities comparable to those for American soldiers in Afghanistan while visiting Burning Man for a few days next month.

In what other ways are conditions faced by senior BLM officials like those faced by soldiers in Afghanistan?

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Thursday, July 2, 2015

Viracocha to Close But Novela to Remain Open Somehow

Posted By on Thu, Jul 2, 2015 at 10:30 AM

  • Viracocha

San Francisco is reeling today from the news that beloved arts and music venue Viracocha will be closing by August, but that somehow over 100 incredibly shitty bars and venues will stay open.

“Viracocha closing is a tragedy, but Skylark staying open is simply shocking,” said 27-year Mission resident Luis Sanchez. “It’s like something out of science fiction.”

Oakland resident Debra Mencken believes that a conspiracy is the only way to explain how a unique a beloved venue like Viracocha, which is both locally supported and superbly reviewed, can’t make it in a city where the Tonga Room is still some kind of big deal.

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  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"