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Monday, August 3, 2015

Apple Opening S.F. Office Mostly to Taunt Us

Posted By on Mon, Aug 3, 2015 at 11:05 AM

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SAN FRANCISCO – Apple Inc.’s senior leadership announced this week that they are leasing a 76,000 square foot in San Francisco in order to troll the city.

“When the Dark Room closed, we saw a real opportunity to rub it in,” said Derek Thompson, Apple’s Senior Vice President for Lulz. “I’m not saying there’s ‘no’ business case for Apple to finally look for a San Francisco office during a period of rampant real estate speculation and the loss of cherished cultural institutions, but that’s definitely the fun part.”

Apple’s new SoMa presence is estimated to run approximately $66 per square foot, prices so ridiculous that even if it weren’t a joke would sound like one.

“Can you imagine how many teachers you could house here?” Thompson asked. “We’re actually going to figure that out, and put it on a plaque outside. Then we’re going to squeeze as many app developers in here as we can, because San Francisco sure needs more of them!, we’re going to provide legal assistance to help them displace minority families, and we’re going to have all our happy hours at Balboa Cafe in the Marina. If any of you cry, it will be worth it.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said the fact that the very people being displaced by real estate prices are huge Apple fans “gives this move the sweet and salty taste of tears dipped in honey. We will drive you out past Hayward and Bay Point, and you’ll still love us. I’ve never felt so alive.”

Ordinary San Franciscans, however, said that the joke stopped being funny when Twitter did it. “Back in 2010, sure, we’d lose a museum and an affordable housing complex and a tech company would come in and we’d all kind of laugh about it,” said waitress Julia Davis. “But now there’s just an empty hole where the laughter used to be. “

Construction worker Greg Chase agreed. “Buying into San Francisco during a time of mass displacement? In 2015? Frankly, I expected Apple to be a lot more innovative than that.”

Davis, however, gave Apple high marks for at least acknowledging her humanity, even in jest. “Honestly, I’m kind of pleased that Apple even knows they’re destroying us. It’s nice to get that kind of acknowledgement once in a while.”

Apple representatives declined to comment on the rumor that they're buying up parcels of land in Oakland's Temescal neighborhood to erect a giant pyramid in honor of Steve Jobs.

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Benjamin Wachs


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