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Thursday, June 18, 2015

Uber: Our Drivers Aren't Employees. They're Not Even Humans.

Posted By on Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 12:00 PM

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San Francisco – After California’s Labor Commission ruled that Uber drivers are employees, and entitled to protections and benefits, Uber issued a strongly worded statement laying out its legal position, claiming that not only are its drivers not employees, they are not even human.

“Neither California’s labor standards, nor the laws and Constitution of the United States, the Geneva Convention, the Code of Hammurabi or even the Golden Rule apply to our drivers,” Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said in a prepared statement. “While we appreciate the courtesy that so many government bodies and members of the public have extended to our drivers, acting as though they had a right to assembly and even letting them vote, they need to be aware that this is unnecessary and we’re putting a stop to it.”

Thuan Pham, Uber’s chief technical officer, agreed. “What the California Labor Commission doesn’t understand is the way Uber’s technology has effectively disrupted human dignity. We ran the A/B testing on this, there’s simply no way you can be an Uber driver and still feel human. There’s too much data degradation. We find everybody’s happier if our drivers think of themselves as code.”

To facilitate this, Uber has announced that, as of next month, none of its drivers will have names.

“The whole trend in the industry is to make the end user interact with other human beings as little as possible,” said Uber investor Josh Kopelman. “Making actual humans less human is the next logical step, and I believe that Uber has both the technology and the will.”

Kalanick agreed, calling human rights “an obsolete technology based on a 240-year-old platform that nobody even uses anymore.”

“At Uber, our mission is to replace human rights with truly exceptional customer service,” he added. “Even as I speak, our engineers are back-engineering freedom from cruel and unusual punishment into bottle service, and the right to confront your accuser into a VIP pass. Things everyone will enjoy.”

Pham said that over the next fiscal quarter, Uber will be releasing its own California Labor Commission, which will be made up of whatever corporate lawyers are closest to Uber’s headquarters when the app is activated. “It will be cheaper and less convenient for everyone because it will require less democracy,” he said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we get rid of that entirely in our next upgrade.”

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Benjamin Wachs


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