San Francisco – Taco Bell confirmed plans last week to open an “upscale Taco Bell” that serves alcohol and will appeal to a hip, urban, demographic, because those words mean nothing and we might as well just all admit that we are living pointless lives in a brutal, uncaring, universe.
“We are sure our new twists on our classic menu items will appeal to the refined palate and upscale sensibilities of the San Francisco market,” a Taco Bell spokesman said without laughing, which is really impressive when you think about it.
Experts say, however, that the very act of being a “Taco Bell spokesman” may render a human being dead inside and incapable of grasping the cynical joke that his life has become, let alone empathizing with other human beings forced to listen to these words and process them with the same audio-neural pathways with which they understand poetry and declarations of love.
While the presence of a Taco Bell with bicycle parking serving “craft” and “artisanal” food may make a mockery of everything we hold dear, many San Franciscans say that at least it no longer matters that the city’s rents are so high because, my God, we can’t keep doing this. We should have known it was over years ago.
“Maybe it was Google, maybe it was Twitter or – oh no – maybe we did this to ourselves,” said progressive leader and City Supervisor John Avalos. “Maybe every new boutique political cause was really just a nail in our own coffin as we embraced an aesthetic of trendiness over a politics of substance. I thought taxing sodas would bring a sense of order to the universe, but can't we at least bring back Joe's Cable Car with bottle service first?”
Avalos concluded the interview by laughing hysterically about how many teachers, nurses, and factory workers had to be evicted from their homes to make this moment possible. “There is no God!” he screamed, clawing his face off.
The city’s moderates feel equally guilty.
“Okay, okay, okay, okay,” said Mayor Ed Lee, pacing back and forth in his living room after a sleepless night spent binging on Adderall and Red Bull. “There has to be a market-based solution to this. There has to be. Capitalism can’t all have been a colossal mistake. But … but … could it be that there’s something we shouldn’t have sold? No! Think, Ed, think! Maybe you can get another tech company to squeeze them out, sell the building to the Uber for something? We always need another Uber for something! Or is that the kind of thinking that got us here? Dammit! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN ON MY WATCH?“
Others blamed the city's Caucasian residents.
“This is just what they do.” said anti-violence and -Chalupa activist Nicole Desmond. “I should probably protest, but, Jesus, I’m so tired. I think I’ll just lie down now.”
The San Francisco Arts Council also put out a press release saying that it’s just not worth it anymore.
As of press time, a sad line of bicyclists were streaming across the Bay Bridge, never to be heard from again.
