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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Bachelor: Meet Prince Farming

Posted By on Tue, Jan 6, 2015 at 10:21 AM

Greetings Bachelor Nation — that's like Raider Nation only with more face paint — this season features Chris Soules, which a jerky scribe could call "Chris Soulless," but he actually seems like a pretty good guy.

This season's bachelor lives in Iowa and runs the family farm. Okay, we all know there really aren't any family farms left. And there is no way I believe that he gets in a combine to reap his harvest each season — someone hid the migrant workers. He also says he loves how he "feeds the world," but we know he's growing corn to either feed livestock or make high fructose corn syrup. I don't think he's a phony. Something is keeping him in a town with a population of 400, and when you see the guests that visited the premier from his hometown, the women he has access to are not Bachelor Nation material. So really ABC is doing a public service. 

They tried to shake things up a bit like they always do but this time they thankfully did something new with the opening limo gauntlet of women. They broke it into two sections, with the first 15 coming in, then Chris saying howdy and toasting them, and then the final 15 arrived. Other than that it was the same old shit, different season. The plus-size model contestant was never shown below the neck, even though she's probably a whopping size 12. The darker skinned women were sweet and barely said a peep, but they know they will never be tossed in the first round because the dudes don't want to look like racist assholes. The two crazy chicks who never blinked were hamming it up, because don't for a minute think that we think they are really there for love and not hired actresses. 

The kookiest scene in my opinion was when he met Britt, and she hugged him and began to cry. This didn't strike him as odd at all. Then when they met again they were already talking about having a family and they almost kissed. I felt like I was watching some Disney cartoon; Prince Farming indeed. Michelle Money of course told host Chris Hanson that she heard that Britt doesn't bathe. I've also heard a rumor that she is going to be the next Bachelorette, so I bet she does indeed at least give herself a ho bath in sinks. 

Finally, gentle reader, we had the end of the show pastiche of what's to come, and wouldn't you know, it includes tears and EMTs. Yes, it's the most dramatic season yet — outside of all the other ones. 
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Katy St. Clair

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