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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Juan Pablo, Episode Dos: Ruining Your Life on TV

Posted By on Tue, Jan 14, 2014 at 1:30 PM


This week was Boilerplate Bachelor, with everything we could hope for in one episode. But let's cut to the chase: Veronica's epic meltdown.

I'm guessing she was drinking on an empty stomach, because when you are surrounded by that many pretty women with great bodies, all vying for the same dude, one's default setting must surely go to anorexia. At any rate, she created some amazing soundbytes: "Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver," and "If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm gonna straddle him every dayyyy... since life is about straddling people, and things." Then of course she crashed and freakin' burned, sobbing in the ladies' room, and then she attempted to run out of the building to go home in no shoes and a bikini.

I'd like to say that I was feeling a disgusting glee at all this, but I was actually feeling really bad for her. People who react sanely in an insane environment (like drink too much when faced with all that competition) and crack under pressure end up looking like fools on this show. Nevermind that everyone else is an automaton.

Take Juan Pablo's date with Clare; it was a scene from All My Children, perfectly scripted and acted. Girlfriend was obviously gunning to be Bachelorette material, yammering on about how her heart is open for love, blah blah blah. She took his face in her hands in the hot tub and looked deeply into his eyes and kissed him... How was Veronica going to compete with chicks like that? And did you see her teeth? She has perfect teeth.

Oh, Veronica. I get it girl.

Juan Pablo was a gentleman on the evening of the Veronica Freak Out, even going to talk to her in the bathroom, which had to be the lowest point of her entire life. The whole event was used as a way to show that he is a tender person with empathy. How surprising, then, when he went to visit her in her hotel room and basically told her "I don't want you around my child." Damn. He could have said, "I don't think you are ready for something like this competition, I'm worried for your happiness," or something like that. He didn't have to throw salt into her margarita glass. So yeah, I'm thinking he's an asshole.

The other discomforting thing was that yet another African-American woman was tossed on the second show, never given any screen time with the Bachelor, let alone a one-on-one date. It makes me cringe, especially since Chantel seems rad. C'est la vie.

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Katy St. Clair


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