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Monday, December 31, 2012

K-Town Season 2, Episode 5: The Ballad of Crazy Jessica

Posted By on Mon, Dec 31, 2012 at 7:30 AM


In case you missed the last episode, K-Town graciously provides us with a montage this week, set to the tune of a lovely pop ditty that jarringly offsets images of drunken female violence and awkward sexual encounters.

See also:

K-Town Season 2, Episode 4: Bachelor/ette Party Brawl

K-Town Season 2, Episode 3: Are You a Chang?

We pick up with Joe and Christine literally prying Violet and Jessica off of each other. First, let me commend Violet on her styling choices (jumper shorts and hair in a bun) which totally gave her an advantage in this battle. Jessica's mini dress and seven-foot-long locks were certainly detrimental to her fighting chances. Hair pulling is not a cliche; it is real. Jess, you can't bring your long-ass hair to a girl fight.

After the fight is broken up, Uncle Joe scolds Violet for her blog post, calling her "a bad fucking person." He also pushes her pretty forcefully, which is highly unacceptable but no one seems to notice, perhaps because there was no cue card to prompt them to "look outraged at something that genuinely warrants outrage." Violet points out that not only did she own up to the post and apologize but Jessica was the one who started a physical fight.

Unfortunately, if Jessica smells even the vaguest whiff of rationality, she starts to short circuit. 'Tis her Kryptonite. She forgets that she and Violet were grappling on the dirty club floor but a few seconds ago and instead lays an ultimatum on Uncle Joe to choose between her and Prince Jowe or risk being dumped.

Uncle Joe stalls because, c'mon, who wouldn't be seriously considering picking Prince Jowe at this point? Uncle Joe tells Jessica that she's the best thing to happen to him and she immediately says, "No!" She used it as an interjection to change the subject, but it unintentionally expressed what we were all thinking. Can you have a Freudian slip for someone else? Or did the audience collectively possess Jessica's body like that Whoopi Goldberg scene in Ghost?

Uncle Joe doesn't respond in the way that she had hoped, so Jessica decides to amp up the crazy. She commands that Uncle Joe tell Prince Jowe to fuck off for insulting her. When Uncle Joe refuses, she begins that pained, inebriated cry that we've all witnessed in nighttime establishments across the globe. She wails that Uncle Joe is not defending her (dis)honor. Prince Jowe joins them and denies talking about Jessica but says in his confessional that Jessica is "crazy, psycho insecure."

You know how I know Prince Jowe is right? Jessica ups the ante and tells Uncle Joe to kick the Prince's ass. It is at this moment that we realize this entire fiasco has nothing to do with Uncle Joe and everything to do with exacting revenge on Prince Jowe for ignoring her after their hookup. I feel for Uncle Joe and his headband for being used as pawns in this budget, Korean Game of Thrones storyline. How awesome would it have been to see Peter Dinklage randomly walk by in the background? Anyway.

Uncle Joe sanely asks what would be accomplished by kicking Prince Jowe's ass and Jessica just slurs a repetitive response. Uncle Joe reminds her that she slept with Prince Jowe first and that is, apparently, the last straw. Jessica says, "We're done, by the way." I would have loved to hear her say,"B T Dubs," but I'm just not that lucky.

Uncle Joe cannot accept this breakup, so they find an empty, dank basement stairwell in which to reconcile their relationship. Prince Jowe appears at the top to yell onto his subjects that he never called Jessica a "ho" as she claims. When Jessica presses further, Prince Jowe calls her insecure and informs her that Uncle Joe blew her off for two weeks to hang out with him. I immediately began wondering what this duo did for two weeks. Road trip? Spiritual quest? A tandem bike ride down the coast? Regardless, it sounds infinitely more pleasant than hanging with Jessica, who begins accusing Uncle Joe of going out drinking too much with Prince Jowe. It's laughable since she's so visibly drunk that if she were a cartoon, she'd be hiccupping bubbles and singing old timey sailor songs. She also takes the argument on a horrifying turn when she says she can drink since she's not the one with a dead, alcoholic father and follows up with, "You want to go to battle with me?" So, yeah, she is an awful person. I don't even have a one-liner for that one. Sad.

In other parts of the club, the K-Town crew's other members carry on. Scarlet, upset by all the fighting, decides to teach So Young how to dance like a stripper. Young, the chivalrous husband, drapes his jacket over So Young's bottom half as Scarlet teaches her a dance that is a mash-up of the crab walk from elementary school field days and The Exorcist's Linda Blair descending the stairs in a Satan-spurred back bend. So this is what Young meant when he said Scarlet was the "best of dancing."

Up next, Como se huh?

At one of the tables, Mohawk Steve and Jasmine argue over Steve's make out session with a random girl after kissing Jasmine's sister, Christine, that one time. Steve defends the make out, saying it was "consensual," which sounds like someone has been named in a lawsuit before. Jasmine wants to know what his intentions are with Christine. Or at least that's what I think she wants to know after asking, "Are all of your marbles in the jar for my sister?"

As opposed to what, Jasmine? Mohawk Steve could have said anything and it would not have mattered considering how incomprehensible that question was. "I've got half my marbles for Christine in the jar and the other half are in a kangaroo's pouch." That means they are engaged in Jasmine's indigenous language. Steve gives a noncommittal "I want to get to know her better" kind of response. Jasmine cannot believe this and wonders aloud if Steve will just make out with anyone's sister, anyone's brother, or anyone's family. I bet it would be difficult for Mohawk Steve to make out with an entire family, consensually. Steve replies with, "It takes two hands to make a fucking sound clap."

To paraphrase Jessica: I'm done, by the way. I'm at a loss for words.

Jasmine is puzzled as well. In her confessional she says, "Como se huh?" in such a precocious way that I'm thinking she was an '80s sitcom child star. "Como se huh?" is the "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis" of our generation. Someone trademark that.

Back in the fighting arena, Jessica goes on about Prince Jowe calling her a whore and Uncle Joe not caring about her; Scarlet gets upset that Uncle Joe doesn't defend his own girlfriend; Young asks what's going on and gets ignored; and Scarlet and Jessica team up on Prince Jowe saying he only cares about going on party buses and hitting on young girls.

Prince Jowe asks the audience, "Who the fuck doesn't want to hit on young girls?" Note: He will be asking this same question in 30 years.

Jessica also complains that Uncle Joe didn't do anything while she and Violet fought, but if we play the video, she'll see that Uncle Joe dutifully tried to un-knot her hair from Violet's clenched fist. That's love right there. Jessica then tells Uncle Joe to punch Violet in the face. Uncle Joe is not Jessica's boyfriend at all, but rather a hired goon who takes her out to dinner from time to time.

Steve comes outside and immediately has Uncle Joe's back. He demonstrates this by telling Jessica that when Joe began dating her, he changed for the worse. Scarlet had been trying to calm Jessica down at the time and then flies into a Mohawk-induced rage because he riles Jess up again and also because it's just something to do. She runs inside to guzzle some more alcohol and complain that Steve ruined her mediation between Jessica and Uncle Joe. She yells at Mohawk Steve whenever he passes by and the Mohawk gets agitated at her aggression. Young finally loses it and tells everyone to "shut the fuck up for once." Young and So Young grab their things and get ready to leave after yet another disastrous group outing.

Outside, Jessica tells Uncle Joe that they are broken up. Uncle Joe scoffs, "Is that what you want to tell your mom?" This is not another example of K-Town misspeech where Uncle Joe has gotten tongue-tied while trying to say "Yo' momma." Apparently, Jessica and Uncle Joe's parents have extreme insider knowledge of their relationship. Jessica snaps back that her parents already think they are broken up. This is the ultimate insult and Joe storms off with the Mohawk not far behind. They pass Young and So Young who have had enough and Young tells everyone that their American wedding is off.

Of course, it's not, but I like that Young is taking a stand for him and his wife, the only functional couple on the show. They leave before Jessica can tell Uncle Joe to win her back by shanking Young, or Mohawk Steve can ask So Young to get "consensual" with him. God speed, you two.

K-Town airs on Wednesdays on YouTube's LOUD channel.

For more events in San Francisco this week and beyond, check out our calendar section. Follow us on Twitter at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.
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