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Monday, November 12, 2012

Six Ridiculous Yoga Fads that Need to Die Immediately

Posted By on Mon, Nov 12, 2012 at 7:30 AM

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3. Naked Yoga

Naked yoga, or nude yoga for the artsy types, is yoga that "artfully explores the ancient practice of yoga without the confinement of clothing." For the record, we don't care if you want to be naked. We celebrate and support each and every jiggly bit you want to display to the world. What we object to here are two things: One is the premise that yoga clothes are "confining." If you're doing yoga in a three-piece suit or corset, then fine, that's going to hold you back from reaching the "fullest expressions of the asanas." But stretchy pants? Luon? There's nothing more comfortable than that. Hell, we've seen people practicing yoga in their pajamas with no problem.

If loose-fitting cotton is really inhibiting your relationship with the divine, then we guess we can't stop you, but we would encourage you to get a Hep C shot before touching your nether bits to those community mats. Second, naked yoga is not a style of yoga, any more than naked trapeze or naked double dutch. The fact that it's being marketed as something innovative feels disingenuous, in the same way that "laughing yoga" and "stripper yoga (sorry, 'vertical yoga')" do (both of which were runner-ups for this list).

2. Yoga on Horseback

Yoga on horseback makes paddle board yoga look relatively sane in comparison. For instance, if you fall off a paddle board, at least you're not five feet in the air on a MOVING ANIMAL THAT COULD EASILY TRAMPLE YOU. Yoga on horseback involves: "Using a horse as partner and mat, students will practice breathing techniques and grounded and mounted yoga poses to improve mind-body awareness, create greater flexibility and build soft strength. Classes will end with a short, guided meditation." Like doga, horseback yoga sells itself on the idea that a horse needs "to be mindful of their surroundings." And what better way to unlocking your horse's mindfulness than laying on its back while grabbing your heels in a mock-back bend? We can't think of any.

1. Face Yoga

Have you grown wary of having a Thai woman slap your wrinkles away? Us too. Good thing we've found this video. "Face yoga stimulates muscles," [dermatologist to the stars Neil] Sadick said on Good Morning America, adding that "although there's not great science around it ..." (You don't say! We'll just take your word for it then. Go on, Doctor) "compared to other technologies like chemical peels or Botox, we know that by stimulating any component of your face like your muscles you're going to have a beneficial effect in terms of your overall appearance."

Annalise Hagen, who wrote a whole book on the subject, cautions would-be fish face-makers not to try this without the aid of a trained professional: "If you just made weird squirmy faces randomly you'd get more wrinkles," Hagen says.  

You hear that, people? You can't just go sticking your tongue out willy-nilly and expect to reverse age! There is a technique! And we'll break it down for you: First, you slowly reach your arms backward in the direction of your purse or wallet. Then with straight legs and upturned corners of the mouth, bend forward to receive the spanking you so clearly deserve.


For more events in San Francisco this week and beyond, check out our calendar section. Follow us on Twitter at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook. Follow Anna Pulley at @annapulley.
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