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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Five Great Books for Traumatizing Children

Posted By on Tue, Oct 16, 2012 at 11:01 AM

click to enlarge AARON HANEY/FLICKR


By Anna Westendorf

Parents, take heed: If any of these books make their way across your child's bookshelf, the gifter may secretly hate your spawn. While most of these books, as a whole, are harmless children's fiction, they all contain moments that raise some interesting questions about what the hell the author was thinking.

See also:

Wallow in Adulthood with the Delightful Coloring for Grown-Ups Book

Accidentally Dirty Kids' Book Roundup, Featuring The Lonely Doll

Epileptic Bicycles and Pessimistic Jenga -- Kid Stores Turn Dark

Is that Curious George photobombing Babar's picnic?
  • Is that Curious George photobombing Babar's picnic?

5. The Story of Babar

Now before everyone gets up in arms about hating on a classic: Who actually remembers anything from this book? If you don't, it it most likely because your parents read it to you once, then it was promptly lost.

To refresh your memory: After witnessing the horrific murder of his mother, Babar runs away to the city where he gets a sweet green suit and goes on to live his life as though an elephant moving to the city happens all the time in France. One day on a walk, Babar sees two little elephants running towards him: "It's Arthur and Celeste, my little cousins!" Following a lukewarm family reunion, Babar decides to return to the jungle with his family. Upon his return, he announces to his elephant brethren: "I must explain to you that, while we were traveling in the car, Celeste and I became engaged."

What childhood classic is complete without a healthy dose of incest? Take a moment to process this. All of your beloved memories of King Babar and his wife, Queen Celeste, and their delightful offspring ... incest. Incest that may be a tragic byproduct of the trauma of witnessing his mother's murder at a young age and then running away to the city and not seeing someone of his own species for years.

I'm sure there's a lesson here, I just can't figure out what it is.

It's never too early to learn about orgies.
  • It's never too early to learn about orgies.

4. What You Never Knew About Beds, Bedrooms, & Pajamas

For the most part, this is an innocent and educational historical journey through beds, bedrooms, and pajamas of the past. Which is why it is even more surprising when you arrive at this part:

bed_book.jpg

While they are technically correct (which is the best kind of correct) in that a.) some people sleep in the nude and b.) one could say it's delicious, why children need to have this outlined for them is unclear.

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