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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Religion Is an Elaborate Angry Birds Metaphor, Obviously

Posted By on Wed, Sep 26, 2012 at 7:30 AM

angrybirds1.jpg

I was handed a pamphlet while walking on S.F. State's campus last week that had the "Angry Birds" logo and signature bird sprawled across it's cover. Intrigued, I flipped to the first page and started to skim the material. That is when it started to dawn on me.

Holy shit -- this thing is about religion.

How come it's always religious recruiters who try to trick me? Seriously, has the "Gotcha!" approach ever worked for turning someone religious? How long before they put a big ol' McDonalds sign on top of their churches instead of a cross? I can just see some guy waddling in for his daily Big Mac only to find he is not in his beloved McDonalds. "Ah man! I thought this was a McDonalds! Well, now that I'm here, *finds god*."

See also:

*Campaign Against Video Game Sexism Met with -- Surprise! -- More Sexism

*Hunting Video Game Prepares You for Wildlife Mauling, While Monitoring Your Heart Rate

Let's flip through this sacred text together.

"I am not meshugge, you are! Wait, thank you? What does meshugge mean again?"
  • "I am not meshugge, you are! Wait, thank you? What does meshugge mean again?"

Also, if someone on BART is being sketchy about what they are looking at on their phone -- it is most certainly NOT Angry Birds.

I didn't know Epic Beard Man played Angry Birds.
  • I didn't know Epic Beard Man played Angry Birds.

The only thing spreading on S.F. State's campus like bird flu is chickenpox, thank you very much.

Wow, were you even trying with that shot?
  • Wow, were you even trying with that shot?

What a radical new interpretation of the Bible. Every time they say "sin" they are actually referring to missing the pigs in Angry Birds. What's next? Are we going to find out that Jesus said to his disciples: "With that aim, you will never be up to my father's standards."

I'm starting to appreciate this pamphlet though, because I can tell it's written by someone who can really relate to college students. I mean, they even play "E-games" just like us!

If the mighty eagle is Jesus and I can call him up whenever I need to teach these pigs a lesson, does that make me God?
  • If the mighty eagle is Jesus and I can call him up whenever I need to teach these pigs a lesson, does that make me God?

Jesus, I know things have been moving fast, and before I knew It there was a drawer of my things at your place. But, I think it's time we take things to the next level. Now, If you could just get your cronies to lighten up on this issue, maybe you and I could get gay-married. I'm thinking destination wedding to the pearly gates?

I'm guessing Mel Gibson isn't a fan of this "Jews For Jesus" group?
  • I'm guessing Mel Gibson isn't a fan of this "Jews For Jesus" group?

I'm a good Catholic man. Okay, maybe that's not exactly true. But I do pretend to believe in God for 5-10 minutes during the holiday season for my mom. Which I think, other than drinking wine, is pretty much one of the core tenants of Catholicism.

But please, if you don't want me to litter then don't hand me crap like this.

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About The Author

Matt Saincome

Matt Saincome

Bio:
Matt Saincome is SF Weekly's former music editor.

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