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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Beyond Obama and Tough Stains: Things Chuck Norris Doesn't Approve of

Posted By on Tue, Sep 11, 2012 at 7:30 AM

If you're an SF Weekly reader who's heard of the movie Last Ounce of Courage, it's probably because Chuck Norris's name is attached to it. He's not in the movie, but it's received the "Chuck Norris Seal of Approval," which is a thing that exists whether it needs to or not. And while the movie is the kind of paranoid Christian fable that fits in with Norris's current persona as an ultra-patriotic right-wing mascot, the fact that Era laundry detergent also bears said seal suggests that money has a lot to do with it. Products such as the Chuck Norris Tribute Revolver also suggest that the man appreciates a phat paycheck, and as well he should.

Last Ounce of Courage opens all over the U.S. of freakin' A. on Friday, though as of this writing it isn't scheduled to play in San Francisco, probably because we're a bastion of liberalism that would never allow such inspiring visions of god and country to be shown within our decadent borders! We're so evil and leftist and Christian-persecutin', Atlas Shrugged only played on one single screen at the Century San Francisco Centre 9 last year! That's how bad we are. Courage is also doing special 9/11 screenings today in other, more patriotic parts of the Bay Area.

Still, one can't help but wonder what things Chuck Norris doesn't approve of. Okay, so he approves of a certain kind of laundry detergent as well as low-budget films that represent his five favorite Fs: Freedom, Family, Fitness, Faith, and Fight (seriously, I am not making that up). And we know he hates Obama so much that he pays someone else to write an anti-Obama column under his name, and neither he nor his wife approve of the Reagan-prophesied millennium of darkness that a second Obama term will bring (yeah, not making that up, either). But what other things has he not approved over the years?

In 1981, he did not approve of new Creature Features host John Stanley making Chuck sit through all those horror movies night after night. (Original Creature Features host Bob Wilkins wouldn't have had Chuck Norris on his show in the first place, but that's a whole 'nother article).

As seen in the 1987 Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos comic (uncovered by Your Crap Archivist, Alan Scherstuhl), he disapproved of people who steal computers, and he uses Tom Stoppard-level wordplay to trick them.

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_chuck_norris_bar_trickery.jpg
​In the barely-animated cartoon of the same name, he disapproved of people not knowing his name, hence the narrator mentioning it so frequently.

The 1983 Atari 2600 game Chuck Norris Superkicks demonstrates his disapproval of blocky enemies throwing pixels at him as he tries to make his way through what sure looks like Golden Gate Park.
Speaking of our fair city, in the 1974 film Slaughter in San Francisco (which I discussed in more detail back in May), Chuck Norris disapproves of being the only shirtless guy in a fight.

He doesn't approve of getting his chest hair grabbed by Bruce Lee in 1972's The Return of the Dragon, though he sure does take his own sweet time swatting Bruce's hand away.

Not only does Chuck disapprove of jeans that bind your legs when you do roundhouse kicks, he licensed his name designed a pair of jeans that, if the floating quote is to be believed, will not bind your legs. It should be mentioned that Action Jeans do not bear the Official Chuck Norris Seal of Approval, so fuck 'em.
And, of course, there's nothing that Chuck Norris disapproves of more than other people telling Haley Joel Osment that Haley has AIDS. That's Chuck's job!

Play Haley off, Keyboard Cat. And Chuck, too.

Sherilyn Connelly is a San Francisco-based writer. She also curates and hosts Bad Movie Night at The Dark Room, every Sunday at 8pm.

Follow us on Twitter at @ExhibitionistSF (follow Sherilyn Connelly on Twitter at @sherilyn) and like us on Facebook.

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