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Monday, June 11, 2012

Will Men Ever Be Able to Come Out of the Bisexual Closet?

Posted By on Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 3:30 PM

  • William Hamon

Women have it rougher than men in many respects -- we get paid less, we are constantly judged by our appearance, and we are not supposed to be promiscuous. But there is one area where women definitely have it easier than men: Women are allowed to experiment with bisexuality without it being a huge deal. Men, on the other hand, are not given this same permission. In fact, quite the contrary.

In the porn industry, several men that I know do not disclose their bisexuality to employers, nor do they do bisexual porn, for fear of being discriminated against or losing jobs. One such porn star (who wished to remain anonymous), said that several female co-stars would not appear with him on screen due to that fact.

The more time I spend writing about sex, more and more of my male friends and acquaintances have brought up this topic as a source of frustration. While many seem to be comfortable with experimenting sexually, they feel they can only do so as long as no one else knows about it. A friend of mine and fan of the swinger site Lifestyle Lounge, checked bi-comfortable on his profile and then received several hateful responses via chat, saying bi men were not welcome in the swinger community. He changed his status back to straight, in order to avoid further aggressive behavior.

Bisexuality is often seen as a cop-out, a phase, or an all-out denial from people on every side of the sexual spectrum. Again, these are all fear-based reactions to a subject that makes people extremely uncomfortable. If you are a man, you are encouraged to have a lot of sexual partners, but you are never encouraged to be sexual with other men.

Straight men are barely even allowed to be on the receiving end of anal sex with women because it's seen as gay behavior. Never mind that a lot of men happen to enjoy anal stimulation. If society says you like to take it up the ass, then you must be gay. This is the kind of thinking that leads to self-hatred and feeds outdated gender stereotypes. Even in my enlightened sex-positive community, men are very uneasy even broaching this subject.

On a personal level, I think it's hot when a man is sexual with other men. In the handful of times I've jerked off to porn, it was always the guy-on-guy variety. I also enjoy having threesomes or foursomes with men who interact with one another and then with me. But, I am not all women, and some women can't handle it because according to the stereotype, it is just a matter of time before the bi guy discovers he is gay and leaves her.

I know several men who have tried to have this conversation with their female partners, and they have been shut down. We really need to start discussing this as a society, because men should be allowed to explore bisexuality without fear. Sexual attraction is not black and white, nor should we try to make it so. Adults should be encouraged to play in ways that feel right to them, regardless of the label. As one of my male friends said, "I am figuring out what I want sexually, versus what I have been told I am supposed to want."

Cheers to that I say, cheers to that.
Vanessa L. Pinto (aka Fleur De Lis SF) documented a year of her sex life on her blog Whatever You Desire. She also blogs for the Huffington Post and is a contributing writer with Whore! Magazine. She has a degree in political science from Cal Poly San Luis Obispo.

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