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Monday, June 4, 2012

Game of Thrones Finale Awards: Press Three for Zombies

Posted By on Mon, Jun 4, 2012 at 10:20 AM

"Valar Morghulis," last night's Game of Thrones finale, gave us dragons, direwolves, and White Walkers -- a fancy way of saying zombies. In other words, shit is getting magical up in here.

Must. Get. Dragons. Back.
  • Must. Get. Dragons. Back.

Also, Sansa Stark no longer has to become Mrs. Pinched-Face Douche Canoe; Tyrion's lady proves loyal; and Daenerys gets her damn dragons back and can therefore stop shouting about it.

And the awards go to...

Cool Party Trick Award: Jaqen H'ghar

After creeping on Arya, Hot Pie, and Gendry as they escape from Harrehnal, Jaqen gives Arya a small coin. Should she ever want to see him again, he says, she should give the coin to any man from Braavos and say, "Valar morghulis." We don't find out what this phrase means, but it's probably something magnificent and horrible that no one should ever do, ever, but everyone still kind of wants to, kind of like pooping off the side of a bridge.

Before heading back to Braavos, Jaqen pays Arya back for her third life, which, unfortunately, was his own. But instead of committing suicide, Jaqen just changes into another guy. Remember that scene in The Craft where the teenage witches realize they can change their own appearance with the wave of a hand and a quick spell? Jaqen's transformation is a lot like that, except instead of making himself prettier he becomes older and creepier, for some reason.

Cooler Party Trick Award: Daenerys Targaryen

The Mother of Dragons finally tracks down her children at the House of the Undying, which is neither as terrifying nor as awesome as it was in the book, which made it sound like the pitch black, infuriating maze in a haunted house where every way is somehow the wrong way. Instead, Dany just snuggles with Undead Khal Drogo for awhile (who can totally come be undead with me anytime) before finding her chained dragon babies, re-upping their power meters to "full," and using their fiery breath to torch the place, as well as Pyat Pree, who never got a chance to participate in the fun run for whatever kind of cancer he has. Also, just in case we'd forgotten the season one finale, we are reminded again that Dany is flameproof when she once again walks away unharmed.

Most Likely to Get Laid Soon: Jon Snow

When he stabs Qhorin Halfhand, Jon goes from man of the Night's Watch to strategic oath breaker and spy. Now Ygritte is taking him to meet Mance Rayder, the king beyond the wall, and since on paper he's already broken the main part of his oath, it's only logical that hot wildling sex comes next. And most likely bastards. He'll probably excuse it as keeping his cover and doing his duty, but a not-so-small part of him will like it.

Oh, and speaking of weird shit beyond the wall: The warning horn blew thrice. While cowering behind a rock, Samwell Tarly watches an army of zombies ride into town on dead horses with shreds of flesh and muscle hanging from their necks. Destroy their brains, Sam! In other news, the Night's Watch has until season three to build a shopping mall in which to take shelter.

Off the Hook Award: Sansa Stark

When Joffrey announces that he will wed Margaery Tyrell, Sansa cannot conceal her glee, and she smiles for what might have been the first time all season. But her joy is short lived: Lord Baelish (having been given Harrenhaal, now a lord for reals) quickly informs her that just because she doesn't have to marry him doesn't mean Joffrey will set her free. Then, in a move that seems weirdly out of character, he cites his love for Lady Catelyn and offers to help Sansa escape. She (probably rightly) doesn't trust him, because WTF. I hope she goes with The Hound instead, assuming he's still hiding out somewhere close by. I'd rather watch Sansa and Sandor slowly become friends than Sansa repeatedly slap away Petyr's groping, too-much-wine hands in an effort to relive his imagined affair with her mother.

Lucky Break Award: Tyrion Lannister

With all of its non-magical and very human pain, Tyrion's storyline has become the most engaging. The dwarf is physically the polar opposite of his tall, blonde, and mind-blowingly attractive siblings, either of whom would easily rule the realm if also possessed of Tyrion's brilliance and wit. But Tyrion's amazing mental gifts are trapped in a body that causes others to perceive him as only "half a man," which makes it easy for Lord Tywin and Cersei to boot him out of the Tower of the Hand and essentially leave him with nothing after unsuccessfully trying to have him murdered during the Battle of Blackwater.

Tyrion's reaction when he realizes that he's lost all control is damn near heartbreaking. ("I thought we were friends," he says to Varys, who assures Tyrion that while history and legend will forget him, he will not.) But he's still got his beloved Shae, who's willing to stand beside him while he continues to play the game he loves despite its obvious risks. And compared to his battle scars in the book -- most of his nose is gone, as well as a hunk of his lip -- on television he gets off easy. He's only "Hollywood ugly," which is to say, still way better looking than the rest of us. And besides, didn't anyone tell him chicks dig scars?

The "No Shit" List of Completely Obvious Outcomes:

--Theon Greyjoy's takeover of Winterfell fails; he's taken captive by his own men, faces likely torture and death.

--Robb Stark marries Lady Talisa instead of the fugly Frey girl to whom he was promised.

--After discovering their home in ruins and putting an ailing Maester Luwin out of his misery, Osha, Bran, Hodor, and Rickon flee Winterfell.

--Stannis begins to suspect Melisandre is full of shit, tries to strangle her, ultimately continues to believe her lies because dammit, she's just so pretty.

--Brienne proves to the Kingslayer that she is a fierce killing machine and that he should therefore stop fucking with her.

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Angela Lutz


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