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Monday, May 28, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: Battle of Blackwater Reveals the Simple Joy of Murder

Posted By on Mon, May 28, 2012 at 10:00 AM

This week on Game of Thrones: The Battle of Blackwater unfolds thusly: MURDER. FIRE. SEVERED LIMBS.

Tyrion fights fire with wilder fire.
  • Tyrion fights fire with wilder fire.

Also, we thought he had ascended Douchebag Peak and maxed out his Heinous Twat credit card, but King Joffrey becomes even more horrible, somehow.

And the awards go to...

We <3 Murder Award: Bronn and the Hound

Before heading off to war, Bronn and Clegane run into each other at the bar, where Bronn is boozing it up and promising to cram his thrice-broken nose up a naked lady's ass. The two men eye each other like territorial cats before simultaneously backing down upon the realization that neither of them loves murder any less than the other. "You like fucking and drinking and singing, but killing -- killing's the thing you love," the Hound says. "You're just like me -- only smaller."

Worst Drinking Buddy Ever: Cersei Lannister

While hiding out in Maegor's Holdfast with the other highborn ladies, Cersei calls Sansa to her side and forces her to share some wine. Too bad Cersei is a lot like the guy who's been wasted since 10 a.m. when he plops down on the barstool next to you and starts saying awkward things. Topics include: your period; how to be feared; the man across the room who will kill you if necessary; how stupid you are; and the fact that you're really cute and therefore appealing to rapists.

Also, Cersei reveals that she wishes she'd been born a man -- specifically, Jaime -- which explains a lot; all her life, she has been forced to seek power by sexing and scheming when she'd rather just use the sword.

Red Smile Award: King Joffrey

Last episode, Joffrey promised to give Stannis a red smile, but that ear-to-ear slit would be a far more attractive enhancement to Joff's sociopathic grin. When Bronn launches a flaming arrow into the lone, wildfire-filled boat that greets Stannis' fleet outside King's Landing, Blackwater explodes into green flames, and pretty much everyone is horrified and awestruck by the destructive force they've just unleashed.

Everyone, that is, except Joff (and the pyromancer, who would have surprised no one by biting the head off of a rat while giggling). Instead, watching men burn to death appears to make the young king want to masturbate while eating popcorn. But when Stannis continues to advance on King's Landing, Joff begins to look panicked, and he gratefully seizes the opportunity to "tend to his mother's business" instead of leading the attack, even though we all know that business involved lemonade, a sandwich, and crying in the corner.

Problem Solver Award: Shae

Tyrion's lady has always effectively fucked her way out of trouble. Unfortunately that particular skill set will not help Tyrion figure out why a member of his own Kingsguard tried to hack him down to "quarter-man" size mid-battle. Lucky for the Lannisters -- particularly Tommen, who was moments away from being poisoned with nightshade by Cersei -- Lord Tywin arrives to save the day, notching a win for House Lannister. Begging the question: Why do Tyrion and Joff -- the best and the worst, respectively -- have to be on the same team?

Runaway Dog Award: The Hound

Not-a-Ser Clegane might love murder, but he fucking hates fire. All of the people burning alive in the streets start to get to him, and he responds to Joffrey's orders thusly: "Fuck the Kingsguard; fuck the city; fuck the king." For a moment Joff looks hurt, and for that the Hound deserves a high-five. He also offers to take Sansa along on his journey to "someplace that isn't burning," and for that he also deserves his own Facebook fan page.


Follow Angela Lutz on Twitter at @amlutz, SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.

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