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Thursday, May 24, 2012

Hey, Occupy SF! We've Located the 1% for You

Posted on Thu, May 24, 2012 at 9:30 AM

Leland Stanford -- old-school One Percenter - JEAN-LOUIS-ERNEST MEISSONIER
  • Jean-Louis-Ernest Meissonier
  • Leland Stanford -- old-school One Percenter

We'll preface this with a big dose of "We're just sayin'," but we learned today about an event happening Friday called the 1% Singles Ball. Yes, they mean that 1%.

"Meet wealthy singles at Nob Hill's most luxurious hotel," says the press release from the Society of Single Professionals. It refers to the Stanford Court Renaissance Hotel, which "resides on the land where Leland Stanford built his lavish mansion on The Hill of Palaces."

Time magazine wrote a story about this organization and its drive to promote events "catering exclusively to the very rich" -- the richest 1%, as it were, and the counterweight to Occupy's 99%. Read the story here, and we bet you'll say "Really?" just like we did.

Why do the 1% need their own events? Because they're lonely and afraid, according to the organizers.

"The 1% live in constant fear that their money will attract gold diggers, seeking to enrich themselves," states a press release from the group. The events "will be opportunities for the wealthy to comfortably meet people on their own level, so they can feel more confident that the attraction is romantic rather than financial."

What's weird about this? Let's reflect.

One of our biggest complaints about modern society is the pervasive sense of entitlement. You know the type -- the person who parks her expensive car in the middle of two spaces so no one can get close to it. The person who puts his briefcases on the seat beside him on a crowded train even though a pregnant woman has no place to sit. It's all the gestures that say "I've got mine -- and I'm going to use it to walk on you."

Now take that up to a monumental scale. It's financial-sector executives who insist on multimillion-dollar bonuses even though their companies are propped up by our tax-money bailouts. It's the same executives laughing because the economic nightmare they caused never applied to them. It's the people who can afford the brand new Lexus on top of day care, housecleaning, and private school for the kids -- who still cut you off at the toll plaza and give you the finger for being in their way. It's all the people living on the top rung who had a big juicy orgasm after hearing Michael Douglas' "greed is good" speech in the movie Wall Street but never woke up from the sociopathic wet dream.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the 1% -- and the reason behind Occupy ire. And on May 25, we give you the people with the unmitigated audacity to take a taxi or limo to the top of a hill where a rich man built a mansion and glibly shout out loud that they're wealthy and the rest of us can just keep tugging at those bootstraps. Screw the homeless -- I might need that old blanket someday!

We propose a more descriptive title for this event. Here are some suggestions:

The You're Locked Out Social

The Cashed-In Cotillion

The Gloaters Ball

The Parade of Privilege

The Rub It In Reception

The ghost of Leland Stanford -- wealthy industrialist, politician, founder of Stanford University -- undergirds the get-together, so we wonder whether revelers will polish their monocles, dust off their top hats, and playfully throw rusty railroad spikes at all the "hobos" who can't afford health insurance? Free Monopoly games for all!

The press release from the organization says it plans a 1% Singles Cruise in November. Pssst! Occupy! We hear that "previously owned" Russian submarines are going for pretty cheap these days. We're just sayin'.

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