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Monday, May 21, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: All Hail the Gods of Tits and Wine

Posted By on Mon, May 21, 2012 at 10:00 AM

When the war is over, and they've put out all of the literal and figurative fires and gotten all of the heads off the walls, Varys, Tyrion, and Bronn should probably go into the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 business of roasting movies or start an improv comedy troupe. In "The Prince of Winterfell," listening to these three shoot the direst variety of fatalistic shit is the best part of the increasingly tense and hostile Game of Thrones, which is probably going to explode like a zit in the last two episodes.

Oh, you guys.
  • Oh, you guys.

Case in point:

Tyrion: "If Stannis breaches the gates, the game is over."

Varys: "They say he burns his enemies alive to honor the Lord of Light."

T: "The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?"

V: "In the Summer Isles. They worship the fertility goddess with sixteen teats."

T: "We should sail there immediately."

Also, after a brief flash of humanity, Cersei Lannister realizes she looks prettier when she's a bitch; Theon Greyjoy feels unloved, pouts; and Robb Stark cheats on his hypothetical fugly fiancée. And the awards go to...

Most Popular Event on Facebook Award: Cersei Lannister

After experiencing the discomfort of acting like an actual human person capable of compassion, Cersei Lannister compensates by turning the "heinous bitch" meter up to 11. In response to Myrcella's departure and Tyrion's insistence that Joffrey fight alongside his men, Cersei informs Tyrion that she's captured "his little whore." Though he clearly wants to scream, Tyrion remains callous, and when the chained and beaten woman dragged out for his scrutiny ends up being the wrong whore, he can barely conceal his relief. Still, Tyrion takes this shit personally, as well as his sister's unmitigated glee over beating up on the innocent. And he says, "I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid." And if people could RSVP for that day, it would be the most popular event on Facebook.

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax: Theon Greyjoy

You gotta feel for ol' Theon Greyjoy; poor motherfucker just wants to be loved. First he swore his loyalty to Robb Stark, but many northerners (ahem, Catelyn Stark) just saw a burgeoning traitor. Fearing he'd hit the glass ceiling with the Starks, he captured Winterfell to impress his father and sister instead. And a lot of good that did. When Yara rides into town, Theon stands at the gates like an excited kid wanting to show off his ant farm. But instead of praising his accomplishments, Yara berates him for capturing a castle so far from the sea and calls him weak and stupid for burning the princes of Winterfell alive (but not really! They're hiding out in the crypts, using Hodor as a pillow). Oh, Theon. If only you'd known that torching children is not the best way to win love, or admiration, or respect... or anything good, really.

Bitchslap in the Holster Award: Brienne of Tarth

While escorting Jaime Lannister back to King's Landing at Catelyn Stark's command, Brienne could have easily lost her cool, because Jaime is not one to shut the fuck up, even when he's chained and covered in mud. He continually taunts her, calling her ugly and boring, which, you know, she's used to. But then he questions her skill as a knight, to which she coolly replies, "All my life men like you have sneered at me, and all my life I've been knocking men like you into the dust." She'd better keep that ass kicking in her pocket, ready for use, because she owes him one. And after watching her defeat the Knight of Flowers and smack down multiple men at once, I think she could probably take him.

Casual Fridays Award: Bronn

Bronn's just sitting at the dinner table, cleaning his crusty fingernails with a dagger -- you know, nothing unusual, right? But Tyrion can't stand it, and after shutting down Bronn's attempts to keep his hands clean, like any good boss, he gets on his employee's case for being out of uniform. Bronn refuses to wear the gold cloak of the City Watch, which is pretty much the medieval equivalent of a cashier refusing to tuck in his polo shirt. In any case, the relationship between Tyrion and his tactless sellsword seems tense, and considering King's Landing is about to face Stannis and his smoke demon spawn, the timing couldn't be worse. Especially with Bronn offering grim prognostications such as, "Things get bad enough, the poor start eating each other." Even worse: If that happens, we'll have to watch.

Warfare Pioneer Award: Tyrion Lannister

It's probably a bad sign that in anticipation of Stannis Baratheon's attack, Tyrion is combing through ancient books on warfare written by maesters whose names he can't pronounce. With dwindling resources, an army of sellswords, and a discordant monarchy, Tyrion doesn't have much of a plan, unless he hopes to slay the enemy with his wits (or perhaps that wildfire he's been hoarding, with which he could potentially beat the sketchy-ass Lord of Light at his own fiery game). But right now, Stannis definitely has the edge, as he knows which of King's Landing's walls are strongest and which are weakest. Varys asks what will happen when Stannis arrives at the weakest point of entrance, and Bronn suggests, "We could throw books at his men." Oh, Bronn. You'd make Bill Hicks proud.

Reach for the Fucking Stars Award: Arya Stark

Now that Tywin Lannister is preparing to march on her brother, Arya finally has that light bulb moment we all had several weeks ago when morbid genie Jaqen H'ghar first promised her three deaths: Kill Lord Tywin. She tracks down Jaqen, who still owes her one death, but at that point Tywin is already on the march. So she shrewdly commands Jaqen to kill himself unless he helps her escape. And because self-preservation apparently trumps the freaky-ass commands of the Red God, he delivers on his promise.

Sexy Vulnerability Award: Robb Stark

Robb finally does the dirty with Lady Talisa, despite his strategic engagement to one of the fugly Frey girls. And it's all because she turns him on with the super sexy story of the time she watched a slave save her little brother from drowning, and that's how a highborn lady started sawing off men's feet, thankyouverymuch. In any case, now it's Robb's turn to abandon his stony veneer and soften up a bit. I want to see that lovely face crack. Even the best warriors have to cry sometimes (plus a little emotion would make him less boring).

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Angela Lutz

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