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Monday, May 14, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: Cersei Lannister Might Be Human After All

Posted By on Mon, May 14, 2012 at 9:30 AM

When I was 17, my then-boyfriend's little brother threatened to kill me.

They are sneakier than they look.
  • They are sneakier than they look.

The family's apartment was small, so his brother's desktop computer sat directly beside the television. From where I usually sat on the couch, I could see everything his brother was typing, which was usually about homework or vampires. But one evening he decided to expand his repertoire.

"Hey you," he wrote, typing the words over and over until I was sure to have seen them. "Yes, you. The blonde on the couch. You need to stop doing your laundry here and eating all of my food. I am going to kill you."

By this point, I had begun to realize that my boyfriend was deeply disturbed -- a sociopath, even, who seemed blissfully unaware of the concept of "feelings." So when his little brother threatened me, it became suddenly obvious that the whole family was crazy. A wave of hot terror rushed over me as I retreated to the bathroom, where I hid until he had gone to bed.

Was he joking? I don't know -- I never stepped foot in that apartment again when he was awake. And I hadn't thought about the incident in years until I started watching Game of Thrones. Now I suddenly want revenge, just like nearly everyone vying for the throne in Westeros. I want to use my superior internet stalking skills to find out where he lives and cover his car with bologna in the night.

I also keep having dreams that I'm fending off the rapey, groping advances of creepers like Dagmer Cleftjaw and Lord Vargo Hoat. Also, "goathelm" is now a word in my vocabulary. This is my brain on Thrones.

On to the awards. This week's go to...

Daughter's Wedding Day Award: Jaime Lannister

The whole business of giving and receiving favors is deeply convoluted in Ser Jaime's mind. Any time, any place, anyone -- even his own cousin in a muddy cell in Winterfell -- and the Kingslayer will get his way, all else be damned. After Ser Alton Lannister reports Cersei's non-peace terms to Robb Stark, the young knight is stupidly held in the same cell as his fancy-pants cousin, at whom he almost immediately begins gushing fanboy admiration. "OMG, you're the best knight evarrr," he says. And Jaime's all, "Guess what? You can help this awesome knight escape!" And Alton is like, "Fuck yeah I can! But how?" And Jaime answers by stabbing him multiple times. When a guard intervenes, Jaime stabs him as well and manages to escape, at least temporarily.

Dirty Laundry Award: Cersei Lannister

Queen Cersei is no longer even attempting to hide her peculiar love for her brother -- at least not where Tyrion is concerned. She also openly acknowledges that her eldest son is pretty much the worst human ever, to which Tyrion responds, "It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head." But she's not convinced Joffrey's bad behavior is so simply explained. "Sometimes I wonder if this is the price for what we've done," she says. "For our sins." Tyrion assures her that, hey, incest is normal; after all, the Targaryens married brother to sister for generations, and Tommen and Myrcella are good kids, and two out of three ain't bad. But she reminds Tyrion that half of the Targaryens went mad: "Every time a Targaryen was born, the gods would flip a coin," she says.

Dirty Pillows Award: Sansa Stark

A girl's first period is never a pleasant experience, but for Sansa Stark it has an extra dimension of horror: She is now old enough to bear King Joffrey's terrifying children. When she wakes to find her sheets covered with blood, she tries to hack out the stains with a dagger, but the Hound -- whose presence has proven both a blessing and a curse -- catches her and reports the news to Cersei. Shockingly, Cersei acts like a human for the second time in a single episode, and after informing Sansa that she is a woman now, she shares her cynical views on love: "Love no one but your children," she says. "Shouldn't I love Joffrey, your grace?" Sansa replies, certain this is a trick. Cersei looks as though Sansa has just asked if she should eat a live rat. "You can try, little dove," she says.

Should've Been a Security Guard at a Dead Mall Instead: the man who let Bran, Rickon, Osha, and Hodor escape

For giant men with giant weapons, "a cripple, a halfwit, and a child" shouldn't be hard to contain. So apparently the guards Theon Greyjoy appointed to secure Winterfell just suck at their jobs, because Bran, Rickon, Osha, and Hodor -- as well as Summer and Shaggy Dog -- have vanished without a trace. After long hours of fruitless searching, Theon embraces his mantra that it's "better to be cruel than weak," and he displays the charred corpses of two children -- allegedly the two missing princes -- before the people of Winterfell, including a grief-stricken Maester Luwin.

Hodor Award: Hodor

Hodor! Hodor, hodor, hodor! Corn!

Morning Wood Award: Jon Snow

Jon Snow wakes up spooning Ygritte, who taunts, "Did you pull a knife on me in the night?" Embarrassed at his rogue boner, Jon jumps to his feet, blushing. "It can't be the first time you've pressed your bone against a woman's ass," the horny wildling continues. But his extreme awkwardness says otherwise. Ygritte is appalled by the chaste, priestly lifestyle of the Night's Watch, and as Jon leads her around in chains like some kind of sexy bondage game, she tries to convince him to doff those furs and take her right there in the muck. "I know how to do it," he insists. But Ygritte is not convinced: "You know nothing, Jon Snow." This is, of course, the best way to get stubborn people to do things. But the moment he seems ready to give in, he realizes he's surrounded by wildlings, and the captor becomes the prisoner.

And Now It's Time For Awkward Story Time with Uncle Tywin!

In the dining room of Harrenhal, Tywin Lannister has taken a liking to his serving girl Arya Stark, who he thinks is the weirdly smart daughter of a weirdly smart stonemason. (This disguise is wearing thin, though; he suspects that she is too well spoken for a commoner, even a self-educated one.) He allows her to sit at his table and eat his food while he gazes wistfully out the window and tells her about his plans to retire from war, his legacy, and the dragons that decimated Harrenhal. Meanwhile, the whole time she's thinking about stabbing him in the jugular with a steak knife.

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Angela Lutz


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