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Monday, May 7, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: The Old Gods and the New

Posted By on Mon, May 7, 2012 at 8:40 AM

This week on Game of Thrones: As king, Joffrey proves himself vicious, stupid, and shit covered; Theon Greyjoy's dubious success makes him horny; Daenerys Targaryen's claim to fame is stolen; and Sansa Stark discovers her guardian angel is a seven-foot-tall wrestling would-be superstar. Also, wildling sex.

"I know it's cold, but this hair is too beautiful for hats."
  • "I know it's cold, but this hair is too beautiful for hats."

And the awards go to...

Corn! Award: King Joffrey

Much like a raven shouting for corn, the people of King's Landing are hungry and shouting for food. So after King Joffrey sees his sister off to Dorne and mocks his little brother for crying, he is publicly showered with facetious adoration -- and a giant wad of feces. With a giant shit smear on the side of his face, he begins futilely shouting for the execution of, um, everyone in the kingdom, and a riot to breaks out. One member of the royal party is literally ried limb from limb, and a man hoists his severed arm overhead like an MVP bowling trophy. Blood! Guts! Gore! Corn!

Future "Night's Watch Chic" Spokesman Award: Jon Snow

Jon Snow wears the Night's Watch uniform well, but he is apparently too vain to cover those artfully shaggy black locks with a hat, despite the cold-as-balls permafrost that's fucking everywhere. He also shows that he may or may not have inherited his father's noble cluelessness when he lets Ygritte the murderous wildling girl live, especially because she's annoying. But she does use her wildling wiles to convince "No More Bastards" Snow to spoon under the guise of "staying warm." Careful, Snow. Spooning leads only to perdition.

Badass Motherfucker Award: Sandor "The Hound" Clegane

When a riot breaks out in King's Landing, Sansa Stark nearly gets gang raped in an alley. Luckily the Hound bounds in and does what the Undertaker would do in the WWE if wrestling were real and murder were legal. At more than seven feet tall, the Hound lifts one rapist off the ground and disembowels him before slaughtering the other two and carrying Lady Sansa to safety. He just saved the show from crossing into a place that might have been too dark for me to follow (kind of like when the cop almost gets torched in Reservoir Dogs), so he probably deserves a giant, novelty champion belt and some bedazzled speedos -- and a cooler wrestling nickname than the Hound.

Hey hipsters: Do it.
  • Hey hipsters: Do it.

Most Likely to Misuse Wildfire to Torch an Ex's House: Theon Greyjoy

After seizing unprotected Winterfell from helpless Bran Stark and company, Theon Greyjoy slowly hacks off a defiant Rodrik Cassel's head with a giant butter knife, ending the reign of Ser Rodrik's scene-stealing facial hair. Despite Theon's understandably mixed feelings over being held hostage for ten years by the Starks, it has now become clear that he will do whatever is necessary to prove his loyalty to his father and the Iron Islands -- even betray those he once, however reluctantly, considered family.

Boiled Leather Smallclothes Award: Osha

Turns out everyone's favorite wildling has got a rockin' bod, and she's not afraid to use it to distract manwhore Theon and his men -- and murder them when necessary -- in order to help Bran and Rickon escape from Winterfell.

Drinking a Milkshake Through a Coffee Straw Award: Tyrion Lannister

Trying to wrangle the sociopathic whims of "vicious idiot" King Joffrey is no minor feat. But that doesn't stop Tyrion from smacking him around when he deserves it or from trying to maintain at least a shred of honor in House Lannister.

Most Likely to Succeed... Eventually: Daenerys Targaryen

Khaleesi is learning some shit during her time in Qarth; for example, she might need stuff other than adorable kitten-sized dragons to take the iron throne, such as an army. But she stands up to the smug leader of the Qarthian council of thirteen, who has probably never been laid, by insisting that the whole "dragon" thing happened, so her dreams like totally come true now. She sounds delusional until she closes with this kicker: "I am Daenerys Stormborn of the blood of old Valyria, and I will take what is mine. With fire and blood, I will take it." First on that list: Retrieving her beloved dragons from the man who stole them.

Bad Romantic Comedy Award: Robb Stark

"He's the highborn son of a wealthy lord from the north. She's a well-spoken healer from a faraway land. They live in separate worlds, and in peaceful times their paths might never have crossed. But when his father's murder makes him king, war breaks out across the seven kingdoms. His duty and her vocation create a chance encounter on the battlefield that will change both of their lives forever. But he's already betrothed to another. Will he choose love over duty? Was their meeting by chance... or was it fate? Coming in winter of 2012."

--

Follow Angela Lutz on Twitter at @amlutz, SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.

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Angela Lutz

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