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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sex and Romance in the New World: Nightmare Date No. 2

Posted By on Thu, May 3, 2012 at 10:00 AM

Is this the face of someone you'd mess with?Facebook can be big brother, let's just be honest about that. How many people do you know who have been fired, fought with a partner, or gotten into trouble of some kind because of a post on Facebook? If I did not make my living the way I do, Facebook would cease to exist for me. While I personally couldn't give a flying fuck what people think about my posts, there are those who take Facebook seriously. Which brings us to nightmare dating experience number two. (Read about my first nightmare date here, "Sex and Romance in the New World: Four Nightmare Dates."

I had been on a few dates with this man, who was very funny, smart, and fun. He was quite helpful and eager to please. But it wasn't long before it became clear that he wanted to be daddy. In the dating world, I've come to realize that a lot of men try to be daddy, whether or not they realize it.

Let me make it clear: Not all women are looking for a daddy. I might quickly embrace you, but the second you insult me, undermine me, or essentially pat me on the head and call me pretty, nothing good will come of it.

Part of this man's daddy tendency came out in his dating history, which was interesting, and which he readily shared. While I believe people should share past dating experiences, at times it can be a bit overwhelming. I find that those conversations should happen over time, not all in one sitting. He pointed out how he made life better for a lot of girls. (I found it interesting that he called all women girls.) Part of his seduction is his whole "I want to help make girls lives a better place" schtick. He also pointed out how much money he spent on each "girl" in order to help her make her life better.

I also call these men fixers. They look for women who are "a project." They are sometimes crudely referred to as "Captain Save-A-Ho." This was his tactic. Just the same, I will say this, he did it in a very polite way at first. Our dates were always nice. The conversation, the laughter, and the ease of our interaction were all very pleasant.

We never had sex, or even got close, because it just never felt necessary. I had zero sexual attraction to him, but I was trying to talk myself into it, because he was so nice and polite. (While I have a physical type, it's who a person is on the inside that will eventually determine my level of interest.) So I knew, on one of our dates when I was quite drunk, and the thought of having sex with him never crossed my mind, there was a problem. I tend to know within the first few minutes of meeting a man whether there is a chance in hell I'll let him sniff my panties, much less fuck me. It was not boding well for him on either front.

Jellyfish. Pretty. But not everyone thought so.
  • Jellyfish. Pretty. But not everyone thought so.

On what would be our last date, we went to Thursday NightLife at the California Academy of Sciences. We began our tour in the aquarium. I am fascinated with sea creatures, because we so rarely get to see them up close. I happened upon a jellyfish exhibit that I liked. Colored lights filtered through the water, illuminating the jellyfish grandly.

I took two photos of that and another sea exhibit. I hit share on Facebook and put the phone back into my purse. He continued to take photos of the exhibits and of me, even though I wasn't into being photographed. We finished our tour and headed to the planetarium viewing. We left shortly after the planetarium, had a lovely chat in the car, stopped by the beach, and stayed awhile. All in all, it was a fantastic evening. We texted and e-mailed throughout the weekend, and all our interaction was pleasant.

Something fishy happened, but not in this tank.
  • Something fishy happened, but not in this tank.

Then on Monday afternoon I received this e-mail:

"BTW: I don't watch your Facebook postings but I've gotten feedback from a couple of my friends asking what the hell am I doing hanging out with a girl who is so rude as to be posting while she's on a date. You might want to give that some thought in future situations."

Jigga what? What infuriated me was that he actually used Facebook as an excuse. This is a grown man, and he's telling me what his friends think about my Facebook posts. Also, he had never once mentioned in the past few days it was even on his mind. We were both taking pictures, so what was my crime? As if that weren't enough, the e-mail that solidified that we would never date again was this one:

"Everything any of us does leaves an impression on others. The question is: Does that work FOR you or AGAINST you?"

I told him I no longer had any interest in pursuing any kind of relationship, because his interaction was juvenile at best. He ignored the breakup, texting me, "Nothing has changed. It just feels that way." So this man was telling me how to act, feel, and think. Everything had changed, and I had no desire to pursue any further contact with him, but he ignored my words and force-fed me his version of how he wanted things to be.

His e-mails and texts all started with him calling me baby doll, honey, or sweety, and I ignored each and every one until I was ready to respond. This man was pushing the limits of what I could take with his absolute lack of acceptance of my goodbye. It's kind of like when a man asks you if you are on your period when your irritated. It's patronizing, condescending, and immature. I was not dating his friends, I was dating him.

The lesson here folks, is communicate how you feel. Don't be passive aggressive with what is bothering you, and never tell someone in this scolding manner how they are supposed to act or feel. Our relationships, I would hope, are with people we consider our equals. That little stunt cost him any chance of interacting with me again -- because if his friends didn't care for a Facebook post. If that bothered them, I doubt they will like the rest of how I behave either. All I could hear in my head during this interaction was my father saying: "If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that to?"

Let's be adults folks, and for the love of all that is holy, give it a rest with Facebook upsets. It's Facebook, not the real world.

------------

Vanessa L. Pinto is a journalist based in San Francisco, best known for her blog on The Huffington Post. Her platform is multi-faceted, just like those I write about.  She holds a B.A. in Political Science, with a concentration in pre-law from Cal-Poly in San Luis Obispo and is always game for an adventure...!

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Vanessa L. Pinto

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