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Monday, April 23, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: Catelyn Stark Wins "Parent of the Year, Non-Incest Division"

Posted By on Mon, Apr 23, 2012 at 9:00 AM

This week on Game of Thrones: Stannis and Renly Baratheon call each other stupid, threaten each other with death; Daenerys Targaryen and her khalasar arrive at the gates of the "greatest city that ever was or will be;" Arya Stark is held prisoner in the most depressing place that ever was or will be, at least until season three; and Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre become the proud parents of my nightmares.

And horrifying smoke demon makes three?
  • And horrifying smoke demon makes three?

And the awards go to...

Fuming Twat Basket Award: King Joffrey

Joffrey sits on the iron throne, his spiteful face sending off vibes that, centuries in the future, will still cause people to spill hot coffee in their shoes on Monday mornings. Just for kicks, he blames Sansa for her brother Robb's success on the battlefield and aims his crossbow at her head while a shocked bunch of lords and ladies stand around and gasp politely. Citing his mother's irritating insistence that he keep Sansa alive, Joffrey instructs Ser Meryn to smack her around a bit but to "leave her face" because he likes her pretty. Luckily Tyrion bursts in and saves the day, and then he films this adorable buddy comedy with Bronn.

And now for something completely different: When Bronn suggests that Joffrey might be "clogged from balls to brains," Tyrion sends Joffrey two whores, hoping that getting laid will make him less of a twat basket. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Joffrey gets off on pain and humiliation, and he trains his crossbow on the pair and has one whore brutally beat the other. Seriously... someone call Law and Order: SVU. We need to get Agent Stabler on his ass.

Parent of the Year Award (Non-Incest Divison): Catelyn Stark

When Renly and Stannis Baratheon encounter each other on the road, they immediately start bickering: "I'm king!" "No, I'm king, you phony!" "No, you're stupid and boring and no one likes you. I'm king!" To which Catelyn Stark replies, "Listen to yourselves. If you were sons of mine, I would knock your heads together and lock you in a bedchamber until you remembered that you were brothers." But that shit escalates, and within moments the two brothers have replaced character insults with death threats. Stannis and Melisandre give Renly and his men until morning to admit he's the rightful king and swear their loyalty, to which Renly responds, "Whatever, old man." This shit's gonna get ugly.

Oscar the Grouch Memorial Fashion Award: Margaery Tyrell

It looks like Renly's bride cut two armholes in the sides of a very fancy, shabby chic kitchen trashcan and decided to wear it. Fortunately, she's smarter than she looks, and she plays coy when Littlefinger repeatedly elbows her in the side and says, "You and Renly ain't fuckin, is ya? He's fuckin yer brother, ain't he?"

Boner Saw Award: Robb Stark

Following his latest victory, Robb Stark gazes adoringly upon healer (maestress?) Jeyne Westerling while she hacks off a screaming boy's gangrenous foot with a bone saw. Too bad all she wants to do is talk about the senseless slaughter his war has brought to the realm and call him out for having no plan after he wins, since he has no desire to sit the iron throne himself. Oh, Robb. Don't you remember that you're supposed to marry one of Walder Frey's ugly daughters? And as for the planning, you should probably get on that, or at the very least learn to lie about it, because otherwise you look like an asshole.

Peeing Your Pants is the Coolest Award: Hot Pie

After being captured by Lannister men, Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie are chained up in a muddy pit where everything is gray and it rains all the time. Every day, one person at a time is tortured and killed in plain view of the other prisoners, including one hollow-eyed woman whose hobbies include "staring blankly" and "feeling dead inside."

Not one to be overcome, Arya lies awake at night chanting, "Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne, the Hound," presumably the names of the folks this little water dancer is going to carve up once she escapes from captivity. (Though I'm starting to think the Hound has a softer side and perhaps should be spared the wrath of Arya and her Needle.) In possession of less fortitude is Hot Pie, who totally drowns his drawers when he thinks he might get selected to spend some one-on-one time with a rat in a bucket and a torch -- their captors' horrifying and weirdly Orwellian torture method of choice.

Cousin of the Year Award (Incest Division): Cersei Lannister

Apparently Cersei exclusively fucks members of her own family. Now that Jaime's held hostage by Robb, she's turned to her very pretty cousin, Lancel, to take care of her royal business. Unfortunately for her, this newly made knight is kind of a pansy, and when threatened he quickly confesses to Tyrion that he is more than just Cersei's loyal servant.

Greatest. City. EVER! Award: Qarth

Daenerys Targaryen and her withering khalasar arrive at the gates of Qarth, whose leaders have agreed to welcome "the mother of dragons." Well, maybe. In the event Daenerys and friends aren't allowed in, lacking food and water, they will die in the Garden of Bones: "Every time the Qarthians shut their gates on a traveler, the garden grows," Jorah Mormont says. Luckily one of the Qarthian leaders agrees to vouch for them, and they're allowed to enter the self-proclaimed "greatest city that ever was or will be." So maybe now she'll just show them the damn dragons already.

Horrifying Cliffhanger Award: Melisandre

Davos Seaworth accompanies Melisandre to a dank underground cell, where she strips off her robe to reveal a bulging, pregnant belly. She lies down on the ground, groaning and writhing, preparing to give birth... AND THEN A DEMON CLIMBS OUT OF HER VAGINA.

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Follow Angela Lutz on Twitter at @amlutz, SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.

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Angela Lutz

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