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Monday, April 16, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: "What Is Dead May Never Die"

Posted By on Mon, Apr 16, 2012 at 9:00 AM

Good thing she's so pretty, because Sansa Stark's awkward teenage years are going to be hard enough.
  • Good thing she's so pretty, because Sansa Stark's awkward teenage years are going to be hard enough.

This week on Game of Thrones: Theon Greyjoy and Grand Maester Pycelle reveal their true colors; Sansa Stark discovers a frightening new capacity for seething contempt; Jon Snow is not cool with rampant incest; and Arya Stark does Gendry a solid. Also, boobs.

And the awards go to...

Doubletalk Award: Lord Varys

Looks like the eunuch might be trustworthy after all, despite a propensity for euphemisms and doubletalk that would make most upper-mid-level corporate drones proud. He's also fond of riddles, especially the one he poses to Tyrion: "Three great men sit in a room: a king, a priest, and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives; who dies?" Tyrion says it depends on the sellsword, but Varys insists, "Power resides where men believe it resides. It is a trick, a shadow on the wall. And a small man can cast a very large shadow." In a phrase, Varys might have nailed the essence of Clash of Kings. As for me, my money's still on the dragons.

Dickhead God Identification Award: Jon Snow

Jon discovers that when creepy incest monger Craster's daughter-wives give birth to boys, Craster deems the infants unfuckable and abandons them in the woods. The baby boys are allegedly given as offerings to the wildling gods, who are apparently horrible dicks, and not because Craster is a disgusting old pervert who, had he lived in the 1990s, would have racked up like two grand in late fees at the local porn store. (And not just regular porn, but like the really gross kind that even porn aficionados feel a little uncomfortable watching.)

Oh, Snap! Award: Maester Luwin

"Magic's not real," he tells Bran. "All of the dragons are dead." Um, riiight. Does one of those links on your maester's chain mean "dumbass"?

Elephant in the Room Award: Theon Greyjoy

Ever since Theon returned to the Iron Islands, his father and sister have been huge jerks about the Starks: "Where are your loyalties, boy? Are you sure they're not with your other family? Are you sure you wouldn't rather be making a Theon sandwich with Robb and a direwolf right now?" But Theon finally calls them out, reminding them that he was not there by choice and that Balon handed him over to the Starks to save his own ass, causing Balon to stalk off like a pissy teenager. Later, though, Theon burns the letter he was writing to Robb, cementing his commitment to House Greyjoy, and his father allows him to take an oath of loyalty.

Emo Award: Sansa Stark

One minute Sansa is pouting through dinner with the queen, Prince Tommen, and Princess Myrcella -- and she does have her reasons. But five seconds later, she's her bitchy old self when she lays into Tyrion's whore, Shae, who is hiding in plain sight as Sansa's new handmaiden. "Brush my hair ... no, not right now! Empty my chamber pot! Change my linens! But whatever you do, do not hang around and try to be my only friend in a place where everyone secretly wants me dead!"

Flush It Down the Pipe Award: Tyrion Lannister

In an effort to expose the queen's rat in the small council -- who may well have been the reason Jon Arryn and Ned Stark ended up dead -- Tyrion orchestrates a clever ruse. He tells Grand Maester Pycelle that he plans to wed Princess Myrcella to the Dornish prince; Varys that she'll be wed to Theon Greyjoy; and Littlefinger that she'll be wed to Robin Arryn -- all with specific instructions not to tell the queen. So when Cersei starts ranting about how Myrcella cannot be sent away to Dorne, Tyrion learns that he can't trust Pycelle, so he hacks off the old maester's beard and has him thrown in a cell.

Republican Senator Secret Sex Life Award: Renly Baratheon

Renly might have married Margaery Tyrell, but behind closed doors he's boning her brother, Loras. But Margaery knows what's up -- "There's no need for us to play games," she tells Renly. "Save your lies for court. You're going to need a lot of them." She's even cool with Loras providing Renly with some game-saving boner assistance, because she knows that producing an heir is the quickest way to increase his -- and subsequently her -- power.

Smooth Move Award: Arya Stark

When King Joffrey's bitches come back looking for Gendry, Robert Baratheon's only surviving bastard, Arya misdirects them to a murdered boy who happens to have grabbed Gendry's distinctive bull's-head helm. Well played, lady friend. She also tosses an axe to Rorge, Jaqen H'ghar, and Biter when their cage catches fire, allowing them the chance to save themselves. Hopefully they will remember the favor, and Arya will inherit a ragtag gang of deformed criminal friends, and they will bum around Winterfell and get into scrapes together when the war is over and everything stops being on fire.

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Angela Lutz

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