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Monday, April 9, 2012

Game of Thrones Awards: "The Night Lands"

Posted By on Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 9:01 AM

Tyrion Lannister is a badass motherfucker.
  • Tyrion Lannister is a badass motherfucker.

Welcome to the Game of Thrones, where kings clash for cash and prizes.

Episode two, "The Night Lands," is all boobs, thinly veiled threats, and more boobs as kings both self-appointed and legit try to gain their footing in the war for the iron throne of Westeros. In order to dubiously honor the lords, ladies, bastards, and perverts, among others, running amok in the Seven Kingdoms, I would like to present the following awards, which will be delivered either via raven or Hodor the stableboy, since he definitely won't give away any surprises.

And the awards go to...

Ned Stark Memorial Award for Noble Cluelessness: Stannis Baratheon

Stannis is calling himself the Lord of Light and teaming up with a pirate whose goal in life is to fuck Queen Cersei: "The one true god is what's between a woman's legs," the pirate says. Considering he's not the queen's twin brother, though, he might have a hard time, uh, finding that particular god. Melisandre's true motives are also revealed -- she wants to be Stannis' queen and vows to give him a son. The good news: Uptight Stannis enjoys sex for what might have been the first time ever.

Parent of the Year Award (Non-Incest Division): Ned Stark

His children are all brave, loyal, and honorable, admirable qualities that may or may not totally fuck them over. Ned himself possessed the same traits, as well as a frustrating propensity to be too bold and too trusting, and we all know the current status of his head. Also, I miss his greasy hair and curmudgeonly face, and I wanted an excuse to give him an arbitrary award. Don't worry, Ned; I believed you when you said winter was coming. I didn't think you were basing your assertion on junk science.

Business Time Award: Samwell Tarly

Within five minutes of talking to disgusting creep Craster's pregnant daughter/wife, that old horndog Tarly offers not only to secret her away from her incestuous father's homestead -- "We can't steal her; she's a person, not a goat," he says when Jon Snow implies that letting her come with them would be akin to theft -- but also to deliver her baby. "I've read about it once," he says when Snow questions his gynecological abilities.

Sperm Donor of the Year Award: Robert Baratheon

The late king's bastard son Gendry -- who remains on his way to the Night's Watch, unaware of his royal lineage -- knows Arya's most deadly secret: That she is not only a girl but the daughter of Ned Stark. Proving himself trustworthy, he vows to keep this information to himself, though he is suddenly horrified that he's been pissing in front of her this whole time: "You're a lady," he says, to which she responds by shoving him into the dirt.

The two also have the following adorable exchange:

Gendry: "You shouldn't insult people that are bigger than you."

Arya: "Then I wouldn't get to insult anyone."

Accidentally Trendy Haircut Award: Arya Stark

Though I strongly suspect that on television most of the characters are sexier, cleaner, and older than they are in the book (Daenerys Targaryen, for example, was only 13 when she was sold to Khal Drogo but is decidedly older on screen), one other notable departure is Arya's haircut. In the book, the other boys call her "Lumpyhead" thanks to Yoren's quick hack job that leaves her hair in patches, but on television her hair resembles something I would pay to have someone do to mine.

Rat in a Cage Award: the thugs en route to the Night's Watch

Despite all their rage, the three most terrifying men ever (with the exception of maybe Gregor Clegane) are still in chains, being hauled from the dungeons to the Night's Watch. One of them hollers at Arya, demanding beer. The other is missing a nose. But the scariest of the three is Biter, whose teeth have been filed to points and who, lacking a tongue, communicates by hissing like some kind of giant, feral lizard.

Wayward Boner Award: Theon Greyjoy

Any time, anyplace, anyone: Theon is ready to get it on. Even with his own sister, who he hasn't seen in nine years. When he arrives at the Iron Islands, his father sends her to lure him back to the castle, and he feels her up on horseback, telling her that fucking him will be a night she'll want to tell her grandchildren about. Which makes sense, because doesn't everyone have fond memories of sandwiches, pie, and sordid hookup story time at Grandma's house? To be fair, though, Theon is horrified when he learns who she is, and even more so when he discovers that she has taken control of his father's armies and led attacks in his absence.

Jurassic Park Award for Extinct, Horrifying Pet Resurrection and Ownership: Daenerys Targaryen

Daenerys is still stranded in the Red Waste, and when one of her riders' horses returns with his head in the saddlebag, she discovers that the other khals are none too pleased that a woman is leading a khalasar. But they don't yet know about the dragons, which are kind of a game changer, kind of like secreting a $500 bill up your sleeve in Monopoly when your opponent is in the restroom. When Daenerys gets her shit together, a lot of people are going to have a lot of hell to pay.

Willful Ignorance Award: Cersei Lannister

Cersei is beginning to see the monster she's created in Joffrey, and she's also realizing that she is as much his subject as anyone else. But she won't admit to any wrongdoing, and to cover her ass she'll continue spewing glossy, politically correct crap, such as, "I have great confidence that the brave men of the night's watch will protect us all." (She should meet Biter.) She also refuses to admit that, as Tyrion puts it, ruling over millions who want her dead might be difficult, and that most people are opposed to the slaughter of infants, even when they're Robert Baratheon's bastards.

Badass Motherfucker Award: Tyrion Lannister

He sends traitorous Janos Slynt to the Night's Watch, describing the long trip to the wall as "surprisingly beautiful in a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way." Then he appoints Bronn as the new commander the City Watch. He's still uncomfortable with child murder, though, as well as the fact that Bronn seems cool with it for the right price. Gonna have to get over that shit, Tyrion. Ned Stark wasn't comfortable with it either...


Follow Angela Lutz on Twitter at SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.

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