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Monday, April 2, 2012

Game of Thrones: An Open Letter to King Joffrey, Who Still Sucks

Posted By on Mon, Apr 2, 2012 at 8:21 AM

  • Angry douche, I mean, his grace King Joffrey.
To: Prince King Joffrey
Date: Just after episode one of season two

I apologize for the egregious error in my greeting, your grace. I assure you that I am but a humble servant, loyal to your crown. You haven't been king for long, so confusing your title is not unthinkable, and to be completely honest, I'm just naturally kind of a fuck up. One time I wore a polo shirt backwards for most of an afternoon -- a polo shirt, your grace! I do beg your mercy...

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding. I can't do this. You're a twat, King Joffrey, a spoiled, horrible twat, and I would like to watch a direwolf rip out your throat with its teeth. (That is, if the producers ever work out those direwolf effects.) I was inconsolable for most of the day after you put Ned Stark's head on a spike, and I generally find your workplace attitude to be unpleasant. You might think you've got it made, but when you, as Robert Baratheon's alleged heir, became king, you inherited the proverbial 99 problems as well as the iron throne.

For starters, House Lannister seems fractured. Your uncle/father (gross) Ser Jaime Lannister is Robb Stark's prisoner, spending his days in a cage with a fully fucking grown direwolf all up in his grill. Your grandfather doesn't trust you and has sent your awesome Uncle Tyrion to babysit you as Hand of the King. Your queen mother is at odds with coin master/whore purveyor Lord Baelish, who knows her dirty little secret about... well, about you, silly. And your mother totally slapped you, and I saw it. For a split second, before you threatened her with death, I know you were about to cry.

Cry, Joffrey, cry! Oh, your mean and stupid pinched-up little face was just quivering. It was delicious. 

There's also Daenerys Targaryen, whose late brother, Viserys, truly was the rightful heir to the Seven Kingdoms (and also kind of an entitled twat; you two probably would have gotten along). Now she wants what's hers, and guess what? Girlfriend is armed with motherfucking dragons. Yeah, that's right -- that ominous red comet you've noticed streaking across the sky means there do be dragons. (It probably means other things as well, but for now we'll go with that.) Right now Daenerys is crossing the Red Waste with what's left of her khalasar, and even though she's kind of a clueless first-time pet owner and has no idea what dragons even eat, my bet is that she'll figure it out. She did, after all, eat a whole horse heart that one time.

And do not underestimate Robb Stark. Among his men, he's already considered the King in the North, and he's proving an effective leader on the battlefield as well. Even more so than his father, he's a fierce and ruthless badass when necessary, but he also knows when to show mercy and compassion. And for you, Joffrey, he has a simple request for peace: Release his sisters Sansa and Arya; return his father's remains to Winterfell; and stay the fuck out of the North. But because he's smart, he knows you'll be too busy rowing your giant douche canoe to accept his offer, thereby forcing more war.

That's why Robb hopes to find an ally in Balon Greyjoy, Stark ward Theon's father, whose men could help capture King's Landing. Lady Catelyn does not trust Balon because of that whole "rebellion" thing, but she does agree to seek another possible alliance with Renly Baratheon, the youngest and most extravagant of the Baratheon brothers, who also wishes to claim the throne. The Starks and Renly might not necessarily be buddies, but you know what unites them? Their hatred of you, Joffrey.

Meanwhile, Renly's mysterious older brother Stannis Baratheon, who was conspicuously absent until now and seems to have the worldview of a disaffected teenager, also wants to sit on the iron throne. And let's get real here: Since Robert has no rightful heirs, based on bloodlines alone, it's kind of his turn. Like murdered former Hand Jon Arryn, Stannis knows the truth about Robert's dark-haired bastard children, meaning he also knows the truth about you, my golden-haired Joffrey. And you might think that having all of your father's bastard children brutally slaughtered or drowned in the street will prevent anyone else from finding out that you, yourself, are a bastard, but ultimately Lord Baelish is right about one thing: Knowledge is power, and the truth has a way of spreading like a virus.

Also, we all know by now that winter is coming, and one like you who is not only a child of summer but also an unrepentant peanut butter and dick sandwich will not likely fare well.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to defect to the wall with Arya Stark and Robert Baratheon's only surviving bastard son before you chop off my hands, cut out my tongue, and/or force-feed me a jug of your gross medieval bathtub wine,  which I can totally take, you little prick.

Anyway, I need to attach this to a raven.

xoxo (wait... gross),

Note: To prevent that whole "the show/the book is better than..." syndrome, I'm reading and watching A Clash of Kings simultaneously, which is also how I ingested Game of Thrones. Therefore, I don't know what happens next, but I do love to speculate, so feel free to make fun of me when I get it wrong.

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Angela Lutz


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