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Friday, February 17, 2012

Coloring Books No Kid Could Ever Want, Including David Lynch's "Dune"

Posted By on Fri, Feb 17, 2012 at 7:00 AM

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_dune_coloring_book.jpg

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Dune Coloring Book

Author: Michael Nicastre

Date: 1984

Publisher: Grosset & Dunlop

Discovered at: 57th Street Antique Mall, Sacramento

The Cover Promises: At long last, your child can dream along with the visions of David Lynch.

Representative Quote:

"You must take the pain to determine whether you are powerful enough to overcome fear itself," says the Reverend Mother.

Just as cockroaches are predicted to just keep on keepin' on after the death of humanity, cheap-ass stupid coloring books are almost certain to continue to thrive after the death of print. That's not just because they're so cheap to produce, or because of the enduring, egalitarian spirit of their publishers, who believe that the level of skill required to create a coloring book is only marginally greater than that required to color in one. No, it's because crayons will never leave more than waxy smears on our tablets and e-readers, and science has yet to create a Nook light enough to be held in place by a refrigerator magnet. So, we'll always have lazy, hilarious, ill-conceived coloring books to gape at. Here's three! First up is a coloring book based on the movie version of Dune, the famous science-fiction novel that (no joke) was once given to me by a homeless man on the Boston T. Dark and complex, stuffed with torture machines and spice-world Machiavellis, Dune was hardly junior reader material even before professional nightmare-wrangler David Lynch got hold of it. What Crayolas would you choose to color a vagina-mouthed tumor-worm crawling through a carwash?
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_dune_coloring_book_worm_brain.jpg
Note the worm's silly T-Rex hands! It looks like it should be carrying a purse. Pediatricians work hard to teach kids not to fear getting a shot. Leaving this book in the waiting room would probably make that job harder:
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Here's an idea for a new crayon color: A raw, pinkish gray called Corpse Flesh.
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At playtime, when kids gather to act out their favorite scenes from Dune, the biggest argument is usually "Who is lucky enough to play the sickness-burning doctor to Baron Barf Face?"
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_dune_coloring_book_doctor.jpg
Here, the Dune Community Playhouse stages its production of The Book of Revelation:
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THAT IS A VISION THAT SHOULD NOT BE. Even the un-horiffic scenes aren't quite kid appropriate. How about the hunks of Dune, standing around, dishing about worms ...
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... and urinating together?
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Now, that's more than enough Dune, at least until the creators of the Dune Coloring Book release their special Extended Edition. Until then, let's enjoy this color-along version of Mark Trail, the long-running comic strip that, like Marmaduke, is based on a single giant-animal joke: Here, it's that this hapless park-ranger type who is forever declaiming the beauty of nature never notices the terrifyingly oversized critters about to pounce on him. These include butterflies ...
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_mark_trail_coloring_book_butterfly.jpg
And birds ...
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_mark_trail_coloring_book_bird.jpg
And, scariest of all, woodland rodents:
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_mark_trail_coloring_book_squirrel.jpg
I bet a heap of Trail Mix will last that squirrel all winter. It's not only Mark Trail artists who have trouble with perspective. Consider this last image from Dune, which seems to be of a fairy-tale giant seducing Kyle MacLachlan.
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_dune_coloring_book_giant.jpg
(I think happens in one of the Brian Herbert sequels.) Next: An even sadder coloring book about touring an Oakland bus yard. Plus: The world's third laziest dot-to-dot
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Alan Scherstuhl


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