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Monday, October 24, 2011

Halloween Endurance Test: Five Gory Horror Films in 36 Hours

Posted By on Mon, Oct 24, 2011 at 7:30 AM

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It's officially Halloween season, the only time of year over which I ferociously dork out. In a culture that not only fears but seems to willfully disregard death, I can't help but revel in a nationally recognized holiday that, beneath all the colorful costumes and candy, is all about acknowledging (and even celebrating) the reality that something horrible could happen to any one of us at any moment.

So here's my plan to push the dark side of Halloween to the limit: I am going to watch five gory horror movies while alone in my turn-of-the-century apartment in less than 36 hours.

Each film will be rated using the highly unsophisticated Scared Dude Scale:

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One scared dude: I might have some weird dreams.

Two scared dudes: I will double-check the locks and make sure the blinds are closed.

Three scared dudes: I will definitely sleep with the lights on.

Four scared dudes: I will wake up crying and probably call my mom.

Five scared dudes: Holy shit balls, I'm sleeping with a 10-pound hammer under my pillow, and I might never be okay again.


Round 1: Hostel, 2005

This is probably the most mainstream flick on my list. I normally love horror movies, but I was so freaked by this trailer that I never took the next step and actually watched this bit of so-called "torture porn." That term still gives me the jibblies. Oh boy. Here we go.

Scared Dude rating:

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When three young, male tourists -- the douchebag, the foreigner, and the responsible one, naturally -- arrive in some kind of Slovakian titty paradise for people under 25, their wild nights of clubbing and boning their hot lady roommates quickly turn ugly when, one by one, they are drugged and taken to a dungeon.

There, wannabe surgeons, mad scientists, and really sick motherfuckers can pay for private rooms stocked with the traditional stainless steel implements of torture (vise grips, hacksaws, scalpels, electric drills) to hack, slice, and bore out the poor, captive tourists.

There are definitely some gasp-worthy moments that include snapped Achilles tendons, multiple severed fingers, and a dangling eyeball, but the payoff isn't worth the slow first half that basically feels like any other flick about three college dudes trying to get laid. Snore.

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Angela Lutz

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