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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Netflix's Secret First Draft of Monday's Terrible Announcement

Posted By on Tue, Sep 20, 2011 at 10:30 AM

qwikster_580x461.jpg

Whenever Netflix makes an announcement about something, everybody gets mad and breaks the Internet, which prompts Netflix to try to calm everybody through a gambit of great cleverness: Apologizing while making a new announcement twice as bad as the first.

Yesterday's letter from the CEO of Netflix -- attempting to redress the recent rate hikes that had upset so many customers -- boggled the mind. "Badness" may be its single most striking characteristic. But it could have been worse!

We have turned up what seems to be an earlier draft of that letter:

Dear Customers,

In announcing our pricing changes last month, we overlooked one important thing: ensuring that our stockholders understood that these changes would only affect you, the consumers, and not our share price. For this miscommunication, we apologize.

To further clarify our position, our company has decided to split itself into two divisions: SCR (Screwing Customers Royally) and DWS (Don't Worry, Stockholders). We believe these acronyms carry a respectable tech industry heft. (At one point, I remember hearing that SCR might be called "Qwikster," but then we were like, "Fuck that shit!" Right?)

SCR will continue to deliver the same goods and services upon which our company has built its reputation. It will remain the core of our business, despite the fact that at some future yet uncertain date the core of our business will without a doubt disappear into thin air faster than you can say Betamax.

The new DWS division will scramble about to actively pursue new resources, develop new methods of content delivery, capitalize upon rapidly fading goodwill, collude with studios, dishonor aspect ratios, and continue the cinematic equivalent of pulping the remainders. This flurry of meaningless activity at DWS will assure our savvier shareholders that our company is doing many important things to retcon -- that is, er, create -- the revolution in video enjoyment that we have all been experiencing for so long.

A few final thoughts:

To our customers, I say, "Tally ho!" with a jaunty wave and a -- uh, yes, it is jaunty.

To our investors I say, "What the fuck, dude? I thought we talked about this!"

To those of you new to our company, I pledge that SCR and DWS will exist side-by-side like preserved sardines inside our oily tin can of a company, their dead eyes shimmering with the hope that the less discerning among you will give us a try.

Yours in good faith,

Bamboo "Hasty" Chutes

Co-Founder and CEO

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Follow Casey Burchby and SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog on Twitter.

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Casey Burchby

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