Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Friday, August 26, 2011

Godawful Coloring Book Roundup, Starring Hook, The Dukes of Hazzard, and Gerald Ford

Posted By on Fri, Aug 26, 2011 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_cover.jpg

Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Back in the early 1990s, your Crap Archivist's younger brother developed the habit of changing one word in the titles of bad movies to suck. "I can't believe you watched Who's Harry Suck!" he would declare. Or -- to stick with the John Candy theme -- "That's worse than Uncle Suck, The Suck Outdoors, and Planes, Trains, and Suck all put together!"

Film after film he did this: Suck Academy, Blame it on the Suck, Suck of the Jedi, and, of course, the immortal Suck, the only one-word title he ever bestowed, on the only movie that seemed to warrant it: Steven Spielberg's Hook .

That terrible film is at least better than this 1991 spin-off coloring book, where for some reason Peter Pan is portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior.

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_businessman.jpg
In each illustration, one key object has been removed and replaced by a dot-to-dot, which children can complete. In this case, that object is something large and strokable that he whips out while making phone calls.

Here, terrifyingly, it's his dog's head that's been replaced.


Of course, in the movie, Peter Pan was played by Robin Williams. This gave children a strange choice. When given the Hook Dot-to-Dot Coloring Book, should they first draw Robin Williams' bare chest . . .

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_shirtless.jpg

. . . or Bob Hoskins' pants region?

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_hoskins_pants.jpg

I think we all know the answer to that:

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_shirtless_color.jpg

Because I used a red crayon, I got bacon suspenders. And here's a pro tip: You have to press extra hard to capture the full magnitude of Robin Williams' explosive chest hair.

Before moving on from Hook, let us savor, for a moment, the latest in the Studies in Crap series, "Might This Be the World's Laziest Dot-to-Dot?" Behold the work I call "Kids Don't Need Second Base."

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_ballpark.jpg

Other past contenders have included:


Face from the A-Team!


Richard Crenna from The Rambo Coloring Book!

NEXT: Coloring Book Horrors in Hazzard County

  • Pin It

Tags: , , , , , ,

About The Author

Alan Scherstuhl


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"