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Friday, August 26, 2011

Godawful Coloring Book Roundup, Starring Hook, The Dukes of Hazzard, and Gerald Ford

Posted By on Fri, Aug 26, 2011 at 7:30 AM

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Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Back in the early 1990s, your Crap Archivist's younger brother developed the habit of changing one word in the titles of bad movies to suck. "I can't believe you watched Who's Harry Suck!" he would declare. Or -- to stick with the John Candy theme -- "That's worse than Uncle Suck, The Suck Outdoors, and Planes, Trains, and Suck all put together!"

Film after film he did this: Suck Academy, Blame it on the Suck, Suck of the Jedi, and, of course, the immortal Suck, the only one-word title he ever bestowed, on the only movie that seemed to warrant it: Steven Spielberg's Hook .

That terrible film is at least better than this 1991 spin-off coloring book, where for some reason Peter Pan is portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior.

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In each illustration, one key object has been removed and replaced by a dot-to-dot, which children can complete. In this case, that object is something large and strokable that he whips out while making phone calls.

Here, terrifyingly, it's his dog's head that's been replaced.

studies_in_crap_coloring_hook_dog.jpg

Of course, in the movie, Peter Pan was played by Robin Williams. This gave children a strange choice. When given the Hook Dot-to-Dot Coloring Book, should they first draw Robin Williams' bare chest . . .

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. . . or Bob Hoskins' pants region?

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I think we all know the answer to that:

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Because I used a red crayon, I got bacon suspenders. And here's a pro tip: You have to press extra hard to capture the full magnitude of Robin Williams' explosive chest hair.

Before moving on from Hook, let us savor, for a moment, the latest in the Studies in Crap series, "Might This Be the World's Laziest Dot-to-Dot?" Behold the work I call "Kids Don't Need Second Base."

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Other past contenders have included:

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Face from the A-Team!

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Richard Crenna from The Rambo Coloring Book!

NEXT: Coloring Book Horrors in Hazzard County

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Alan Scherstuhl

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