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Friday, June 17, 2011

1000 Things Every Girl Should Know: When in a New Relationship, Women Should Stop Going 'Number Two'

Posted By on Fri, Jun 17, 2011 at 7:40 AM

Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

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The Little Red Book

Author: Sala-d Malcolm

Date: 2011

Publisher: None!

The Back Cover Promises: "1000 Things Every Girl Should Know"

Representative Quotes:

"Guys love when girls smell good. So girls even if you are not doing it solely for the guy but also for yourself be sure to bathe regularly." (page 10)

"Do the number two in your own bathroom before going over to the home of the guy you just started dating. A new girl who stinks up a guy's bathroom does not look very cool. This could be a deal breaker." (page 15)

Sorry, ladies! It was misleading to imply that self-published guy Sala-D Malcolm says you can't ever void waste material. You only shouldn't when you're in the home of a man you have recently started dating, and you don't want to sacrifice all that time you spent actually bathing yourself for once in your life.

Welcome to the world of Sala-D Malcolm, a Jamaican DJ, writer, "talent manager," and the proprietor of an online fashion store called "Trendy Stylz," which I swear is a real business and not the name the white marketers of 1991 came up with for the black guy in the Burger King Kids Club.

Bathing and avoiding your body's natural functions are just two of the 1,000 bits of advice Malcolm has for women in his Little Red Book, so named because it's exactly like Chairman Mao's noted bestseller except that instead of dialectic materialism it recommends women "shave the bush" and do their own laundry:

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"Lots of sugary foods, pastries, meat with hormones will enhance the fullness of the breasts but will also make them soft and fluffy."

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Your Crap Archivist is struck, as always, by the strange cockiness it takes to self-publish a book of life advice, since it stands to reason that life advice is most likely stronger when it comes from someone who hadn't failed to place a book with a publisher. That said, Malcolm's other two books include one on a topic I expect self-publishing authors are absolutely qualified to answer, and one on a topic that neither they nor any honest professional possibly could. I'll leave it to you to determine which is which.

The books: How Anyone Can Become a Model and A Dozen Ways to Totally Screw Up Your Life.

His Little Red Book falls somewhere in between. Consider this advice:

"A guy likes to watch a girl eat. He gets wild, crazy thoughts depending on what she is eating. So please be gentle with that banana."

(This explains why men find nothing more erotic than lunch time at a monkeyhouse.)

Or this:

"If a guy has small hands or feet don't comment on it. You know what they say about the size of a guy's feet. Although the saying is not necessarily true, you might make him uncomfortable if it is true and if it is not true he might suddenly be in a hurry to prove it to you."

At first, his advice seems sweeping and mad, fifty pages of bullet points and condescension. But then enough weird suggestions like that don't-talk-about-manfeet thing piled up that I began to work out a theory.

Take this one:

"Prepare a simple meal: You do not have to be Martha Stewart or even a very good cook. However you should be able to put something palatable together. This can oftentimes save you lots of money but it can also broaden you appeal [sic]. And hey there is nothing that looks as good as a sexy woman in the kitchen handling those cucumbers."

Read a thousand of these, and the truth emerges. Instead of telling all women everywhere what all men want, which would take impossible hubris, he is instead telling all women exactly what he wants, which is a more achievable goal. What he seems to want: food-handling hotties who never glance below his ankles.

To please Malcolm, a woman must know "How to act like you are interested." She must shave "the underarms and pubic area" ("nothing looks as unsightly as armpits with sweat and dried-up deodorant sticking to long hairs"), and she should always remember, "a blow job a day keeps the sluts away. So come on girls get busy."

She should also:

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About The Author

Alan Scherstuhl


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