Here's one man and woman's minute-by-minute review, presented here because we ain't 'fraid of no hardcore - not even of the slick and overproduced variety where the women's flesh is slick and orange-tinged and plasticky, like American cheese slices still in the wrappers.
00:15: Like the real Ghostbusters (but not the cartoon The Real Ghostbusters), This Ain't Ghostbusters opens at the New York Public Library, where an offscreen ghost startles an elderly librarian, but this time that elderly librarian is played by Ron Jeremy.
Alan: The real question is will it be better than Ghostbusters II?
Amy: And which one has more slime?
Also like the real Ghostbusters, this one opens with a dopey funk ripoff of Huey Lewis' "I Want a New Drug." This one, though, asks, "Who ya gonna fuck?"
As Ron Jeremy trundles his book cart through the stacks, Amy spies a copy of Dave Barry Turns Forty. Neither of us expected that.
Three minutes or so: Porn Bill Murray (Evan Stone) conducts ESP experiments in an academic laboratory. Speaking of Huey Lewis, this guy looks more like him than he does Non-Porn Bill Murray. He speaks his lines -- many swiped right from Ghostbusters -- in a wretched imitation that sounds like Non-Porn Bill Murray's Caddyshack character as imagined by Sloth from The Goonies.
Eventually, Porn Bill Murray tells a promising subject that she will experience full "sensory overload." To this end, he places his penis in her mouth.
05:00 - 016:20: Much ado about sucking. At one point, Porn Bill Murray slaps student's bottom with a ruler.
Alan: In this version, it's much more plausible that the Ghostbusters would lose their funding.
16:20: Porn Bill Murray goes down on student. He slurps her juices, some of which he gathers in a Petri dish.
Amy: He's a scientist.
23:00: Porn Bill Murray ejaculates on face of his student. He groans in his fake Bill Murray voice: "Yes, yes, right there."
Amy: This laboratory scene is longer than in the original movie.
24:00 At the library, the Not-Ghostbusters track a "full-frontal apparition" with their "X-X-X meter." They encounter an ectoplasmic porn starlet, a woman made lime-Jell-O ghostly with computer effects. She kicks Porn Bill Murray in the crotch, which, thankfully, silences his one-liners. Then she takes corporeal form and immediately seduces one of the non-Porn Bill Murray Ghostbusters.
Amy: She's really having a time with his pants.
Alan: Yeah, she's fumbling. They should have cut this out.
Amy: She just took material form for the first time in who knows how long. It takes some getting used to.
27:00-41:00: Scenes of the flesh that, in their rote thrusting and plunging, inspired a spirited discussion of the miracle of mechanized production and interchangeable parts.
43:00: Porn Rick Moranis announces to Porn Sigourney Weaver (Raven Alexis) that he's going to watch some "adult" videos. He boasts, "I'm gonna play them at double speed so I can ejaculate twice as fast!"
Alan: They should do a porn Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Amy: You know what '80s movie they should do? Beaches.
Alan: With Uncle Buck or Pretty in Pink they wouldn't have to change titles.
44:00: In her apartment, Porn Sigourney Weaver sees a low-rent commercial for the Ghostbusters. I mean "The Busters": In some weird concession to copyright, the word "Ghost" is awkwardly erased from the soundtrack. As she digs through her refrigerator, her food starts going crazy. In this case, hotdogs launch themselves from the package.
Alan: I don't like where this is going.
Amy: It was eggs in the original, right? Her eggs boiled and cracked.
Alan: Yeah.
Amy: That's exactly what's wrong with mainstream porn. It's all flying meat, but nobody's eggs are getting hot.
The movie fails to be perverse enough to show Porn Sigourney Weaver taking a hotdog.
Next: Can you guess what Hustler renamed the Ecto-1?
45:00: Porn Harold Ramis (James Deen) is going down on Porn Annie Potts, but not in any detail.
47:00: Their first call! The Ghostbusters venture out in their car, The "Erecto1."
Alan: That's actually funny.
48:00-59:00: In a hotel lobby, Porn Bill Murray boasts that the "unlicensed nuclear accelerator" on his back is "ribbed for her pleasure." Then, just like in the original, but with no comic timing, Porn Bill Murray gets slimed.
Amy: Now he knows how that girl felt.
50:30: The Not-Ghostbusters capture Slimer (now with an erection) with much digital nonsense from their proton packs.
Alan: What's more boring, this or the sex?
Amy: The sex. This has some effects.
52:00: Porn Sigourney Weaver is now Porn Zuul. She is flung back on her couch, inviting Porn Bill Murray to make love to her. (Not her words.) Porn Bill Murray seems surprised by this behavior, even though this kind of thing seems to happen to him over and over again.
Alan: Isn't a parody supposed to make you rethink the original in some way? To lampoon it? You would think they would parody the phallic imagery of the proton packs or the whole don't-cross-the-streams thing. I really can't believe there's not going to be any Ghostbuster-on-Ghostbuster action. In Batman XXX from the same director, there's no Batman-on-Robin, and I even read that their porn Brady Bunch didn't have any incest in it. What's the point?
Amy: I think they're pointing out that the scenes where she seduces Bill Murray in the original have sexual overtones.
Alan: Look, he's going down first. Does he only do that for evil women?
The scene goes on and on.
Amy: The Bill Murray movie this most resembles is Groundhog Day. Every day of his life, it's the same thing, again and again.
1:13:00 Porn Annie Potts delivers this film's version of the keymaster/gatekeeper nonsense: "Mama wants some slob ejaculate on her coochie supplicant now!" Trust us, that's all [sic]. After a clumsy fadeout, the movie cuts to Porn Harold Ramis licking her bottom while she goes down on Porn Rick Moranis.
Amy: These Busters are nothing if not thorough. And, wow, Egon's hung.
Alan: Do you think they'll have the scene where Bill Murray says the guys has no dick and then he'll prove it?
As he ejaculates, Porn Rick Moranis actually moans in imitation of Real Rick Moranis.
Amy: "I thought their job was to keep the slime out of New York."
1:29:00: Cut to the roof of a New York City skyscraper transformed -- through movie magic -- into an apocalyptic CGI mess of pyramids and golden light. It looks like an L. Ron Hubbard book.
The movie's second funny joke hits: suddenly, there's a black Ghostbuster, and the others seem surprised by this. Instead of "Are you a god?" Gozar the Gozarian asks, "Do you have a thirteen-inch cock?" Then comes the parody's answer to the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, which is too lame to spoil.
Alan: I just realized who Porn Bill Murray looks like-- the guy who played David Letterman in The Late Shift.
[Amy shudders.]
1:33:00 -end: The new Ghostbuster has sex with Gozar. This goes on for a while.
Amy: Was anybody really thinking, "Man, Ghostbusters is a great movie, but I want to watch it with my hand in my pants?"
Alan: I saw it at the drive-in when I was a kid. On the screen behind us, they were showing Bo Derek in Bolero, the movie where all she does is take naked horse rides. We sat outside the car and watched that. That was way hotter than this.
1:50something: New Ghostbuster ejaculates on fake breasts of Gozar. She explodes. He is covered in suds. He shouts, "I love this town!" The fake version of Ray Parker Jr.,'s fake Huey Lewis song plays again. Alan and Amy feel kind of scraped-out and depressed.
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