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Friday, June 3, 2011

Three Ridiculous Books From The Shelves of Preachers

Posted By on Fri, Jun 3, 2011 at 8:55 AM

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Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.
Your Dating Data
Date: 1962
Author: Verna J. Joiner
Publisher: Gospel Trumpet Company Discovered at: Half Price Books, Dublin, CA The Cover Promises: Here's a capital dating idea, ladies -- an organ jam with your funeral director!

Representative Quotes:

"We should never be prejudiced against people because of race, nationality, social status, or religion. Nevertheless, when it comes to choosing dating patterns, it's time for a fellow or girl to discriminate." (page 40).
"What about the drive-in theater? Most alert Christians feel that drive-ins are absolutely off-limit. Why? Because of the couples who do not come to view the picture but to flirt and pet shamelessly." (page 53).

Here's a puzzler. If that one important book contains all truths, why is it that that book's fiercest adherents pump out so many books of their own covering truths the big one left out?

Christian dating expert Verna J. Joiner acknowledges the trickiness of all this in Your Dating Data, her anti-petting, pro-discrimination treatise that urges teens to keep their romances as steady, same-y, and white as vanilla soft-serve tubing forth from its spigot.

To that end, Joiner argues that the concerns facing the young lovers of 1962 - whom she calls "space age youths" - are "no different" from those of "the first century. Then, just as Peter did in his letters to the Ephesians, she recommends the good, clean fun to be found playing tennis, shuffle board, or even trying out bowling and skating "if the places are properly run."

Here's Joiner's best love-tips, all of which are as valid now as they were during the reign of Emperor Claudius.

How to Ask a Girl Out:
First, "Randy" asks "Ganel" is she will meet him by the Coke machine. There he lays his line on her:

Randy: "I wanted to ask you to go with me to the skating party tomorrow night. Dad said he'd take a group of us kids - Mom's coming too. She used to be a good skater herself."
The Lesson: Girls can't resist your boasts about your mother.
In another example, "Linus" telephones "Trudie" and asks, after some small talk:
Linus: "Trudie, Dad and Mom are going to take a few of us kids out to the Azalia Trail Saturday - you know, the youth group are going to have a cookout at seven thirty, but we're leaving early."
The Lesson: It's easier to get a date for a youth group cookout ft you promise that date you'll all head back home before the cookout even starts.
How to Ask a Boy Out:
Being composed by a godly woman, the book offers no advice on this topic. Joiner does dole out some thoughts on "how to influence boys and win dates," but she warns never to come right out and ask, because "it would never do to put it so bluntly."

Why Don't Boys Like Me?
Joiner also takes up the tricky issue of why he's just not that into you - or, in first-century terms, why you've had no luck with your un-blunt man-fishing. Here's questions Joiner poses to the young girl wondering why the boy she dated last week hasn't called for a follow up:

  • Did you dress neatly and appropriately for the occasion?

  • Were you dressed so as to draw undue attention - to much makeup, gaudy jewelry, immodest or extreme style?

  • Did you encourage or permit too much intimacy?

  • Did you 'park' - sit in the car and talk?

  • Did you linger outside the door before saying goodnight?

  • Did you tell him you had a good time?

Only whores have good times!

Joiner adds, "If the girl lingers at the door or sits in the parked car, he may conclude that she is the type of girl who expects to be kissed on the first date - that she kisses all the fellows."

And here's a checklist that's supposed to be helpful but is really just inscrutable.

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_your_dating_data_checklist143.jpg

I think "Petting Defined" was once the slogan for a makeout session sold in the Sharper Image catalog.

Our second book is a survey of the current Republican candidates!

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Christian Men Who Hate Women

Author: Dr. Margaret J. Rinck
Date: 1998

Publisher: Zondervan, a division of Harper-Collins
Discovered at: Church garage sale, Kansas City

Representative Quote:

"The Christian misogynist (yes - there are such people) often use distortions of scripture to keep his partner 'in her place.'" (page 16)

Oh, wait. This book isn't funny at all. Sorry!

In it, Dr. Margaret J. Rinck tackles a completely un-hilarious issue: women who wind up married to men who take literally that talk of wifely submission laid out in the foundational documents of a plurality of the world's great religions. She takes on controlling and domineering fellows, has a go at establishing the root causes of what she calls "Christian misogyny," and advises women (and their misogynists) in the ways of therapy and healing.

Then, just when it all seems to be making sense, she throws this in:

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_christian_men_who_hate_misogynyist151.jpg
Four types! Gotta catch 'em all! Also, note how misogynists - like Thai food - can be ordered from mild to extreme levels of spiciness.

I've printed this out and used pushpins to represent all the great male authors of the 20th century! Congratulations to Naipaul, who just edged further right than Roth -- despite not even being Christians!

Okay, one more book:

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_new_age_lies_to_women146.jpg
New Age Lies to Women

Author: Wanda Marrs
Publisher: Living Truth Publications, Austin, Texas
Discovered at: This thing was just laying around the SF Weekly office for some reason.

Representative Quotes:

"She's back. A Mother Goddess. Satan's Mistress. Yes, the Whore of Babylon, the Mystery Woman is back. Her wound has been healed and she's come." (page 123)
"The spiritual messiah of the New Age, who Carey describes as the 'Flying Winged One,' is just as active today as he was in the garden. There, he slyly became a 'rapper,' a master conversationalist who visited and communed with Eve." (page 158)
Marrs' argument is familiar from the bumper crop of Satan-spotting books of the 80s and 90s, a time when America's apparent lack of real problems afforded evangelicals the free time to battle Care Bears, crystals, and Dungeon Masters.

Marrs' personal target is "The Goddess," a mask of Satan's that, by 1998, seemed to Marrs to have taken hold in popular culture. To wit:


Kim Bassinger is a manifestation of Satan. I bet this is the one opinion Marrs shares with Alec Baldwin.

Marrs' actual caption to that page:

"Actress Kim Bassinger (movie Batman) in goddess array -- with lit candles and ivy wreath on head and flowing white gown. Below is a drawing from a witchcraft magazine."

More evidence:
click to enlarge studies_in_crap_new_age_lies_to_women_galadriel149.jpg

Here's how anti-occult Marrs is: she not only takes on rapping snakes, fallen stars, and Tolkein. She assails C.S. Lewis as an "unholy ally of the New Age leadership" and a promoter of "the Mother Goddess Religion."

Also on her list:
George Lucas: "He has teamed up with Ron Howard, formerly of The Andy Griffith Show, to produce New Age cinemas."
Tina Turner: "Sultry rock recording artist who admittedly is a big believer in the power of Buddhist chanting."
Michael Crichton: ""Crichton's newest non-fiction book, Travels, is the story of his New Age and occultic adventures around the globe."
Phylicia Rashad: "A firm believer in reincarnation and karma" and "played the starring role as 'The Witch' in the occultic Broadway musical 'Into the Woods.'"
Robert Redford: "In 1989 he hosted a symposium on 'global climate change' at his resort."

Finally, unlike Joiner, Marrs is proud to pose questions that the Bible itself couldn't answer:

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_new_age_lies_to_women_bisexual148.jpg

Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap or @ExhibitionistSF on the Twitter thing.

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