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Friday, June 3, 2011

Three Ridiculous Books From The Shelves of Preachers

Posted By on Fri, Jun 3, 2011 at 8:55 AM

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_your_dating_data141.jpg
Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.
 
Your Dating Data
Date: 1962
Author: Verna J. Joiner
Publisher: Gospel Trumpet Company Discovered at: Half Price Books, Dublin, CA The Cover Promises: Here's a capital dating idea, ladies -- an organ jam with your funeral director!

Representative Quotes:

"We should never be prejudiced against people because of race, nationality, social status, or religion. Nevertheless, when it comes to choosing dating patterns, it's time for a fellow or girl to discriminate." (page 40).
"What about the drive-in theater? Most alert Christians feel that drive-ins are absolutely off-limit. Why? Because of the couples who do not come to view the picture but to flirt and pet shamelessly." (page 53).

Here's a puzzler. If that one important book contains all truths, why is it that that book's fiercest adherents pump out so many books of their own covering truths the big one left out?

Christian dating expert Verna J. Joiner acknowledges the trickiness of all this in Your Dating Data, her anti-petting, pro-discrimination treatise that urges teens to keep their romances as steady, same-y, and white as vanilla soft-serve tubing forth from its spigot.

To that end, Joiner argues that the concerns facing the young lovers of 1962 - whom she calls "space age youths" - are "no different" from those of "the first century. Then, just as Peter did in his letters to the Ephesians, she recommends the good, clean fun to be found playing tennis, shuffle board, or even trying out bowling and skating "if the places are properly run."

Here's Joiner's best love-tips, all of which are as valid now as they were during the reign of Emperor Claudius.

How to Ask a Girl Out:
First, "Randy" asks "Ganel" is she will meet him by the Coke machine. There he lays his line on her:

Randy: "I wanted to ask you to go with me to the skating party tomorrow night. Dad said he'd take a group of us kids - Mom's coming too. She used to be a good skater herself."
The Lesson: Girls can't resist your boasts about your mother.
In another example, "Linus" telephones "Trudie" and asks, after some small talk:
Linus: "Trudie, Dad and Mom are going to take a few of us kids out to the Azalia Trail Saturday - you know, the youth group are going to have a cookout at seven thirty, but we're leaving early."
The Lesson: It's easier to get a date for a youth group cookout ft you promise that date you'll all head back home before the cookout even starts.
How to Ask a Boy Out:
Being composed by a godly woman, the book offers no advice on this topic. Joiner does dole out some thoughts on "how to influence boys and win dates," but she warns never to come right out and ask, because "it would never do to put it so bluntly."

Why Don't Boys Like Me?
Joiner also takes up the tricky issue of why he's just not that into you - or, in first-century terms, why you've had no luck with your un-blunt man-fishing. Here's questions Joiner poses to the young girl wondering why the boy she dated last week hasn't called for a follow up:


  • Did you dress neatly and appropriately for the occasion?

  • Were you dressed so as to draw undue attention - to much makeup, gaudy jewelry, immodest or extreme style?

  • Did you encourage or permit too much intimacy?

  • Did you 'park' - sit in the car and talk?

  • Did you linger outside the door before saying goodnight?

  • Did you tell him you had a good time?

Only whores have good times!

Joiner adds, "If the girl lingers at the door or sits in the parked car, he may conclude that she is the type of girl who expects to be kissed on the first date - that she kisses all the fellows."

And here's a checklist that's supposed to be helpful but is really just inscrutable.

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_your_dating_data_checklist143.jpg

I think "Petting Defined" was once the slogan for a makeout session sold in the Sharper Image catalog.

Our second book is a survey of the current Republican candidates!

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Alan Scherstuhl

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