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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

LeMay Watches the Grammys

Posted By on Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 7:30 AM


It's All Drag ...

Here it is, my third post and I already feel like Carrie Bradshaw! Except my column would be called "Third Sex in the City."

After a disastrous start to the weekend, including bursting drainage pipes, this poor princess' plans were temporarily put on hold. I mean, really, unlike some queens, I actually like to shower before I leave the house.


Instead, I'm sitting on the floor of my apartment with my old jacked-up laptop (About to give way at any moment -- what if I lose all these precious morsels of wisdom?) wondering what I can write about this week. As I have said before, I don't want this column to just be about drag show reviews, or just a place to hype people who keep bestowing "gifts" on me for a brief mention. (I said "just," so that practice is still acceptable, "just" not all the time.)

Also, considering my "agreement" [Freelance writing contract designed to protect us. -Eds] states that I will not "defame, libel, or slander", then I best not attend too many drag shows in the city, 'cause as my mother said, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

So when you're stranded at home without a shower, what else are you supposed to do? If I only had the Internet at home, I guess I could always hunt for a dinge-queen, but that's a post for another time.

I guess, when all else fails, there is the wondrous world of cable television to fall back on, and what better critique of drag is there than the assumed pageantry of the Grammys?

Now considering I can not "defame, libel, or slander," everything henceforth is "in my humble opinion."

We all know that celebrities are constantly stealing from gay culture and drag queens in particular, so I will give you some fashionable highlights and lowlights, in my humble opinion ...

The opening number, a tribute to Aretha with faux queen Christina Aguilera, did not disappoint. That girl understands the proportions of dress, hair and make-up, and her lipsynching was spot-on.

Newly gay Ricky Martin looked like a douchebag in those pants. (A fashion review gave him a D-.)

Lady Gaga is a total gay tranny mary ... "Don't be a drag, just be a queen." I mean really, who has a pipe organ dropped on stage just to hit three chords? I'm never a fan of dark lipstick, either, but a true queen can pull it off. I mean, really, she just popped out of an egg!!!

Miranda Lambert - Total drag queen. I kept looking at her thinking that she had really good hip pads on.

Leann Rimes - Too skinny, she needs to eat something, no wonder she looks so unhappy all the time.

Lenny Kravitz - When is he ever going to wear an outfit that has been finished and without shreds on animal drippin off one shoulder?

Taylor Swift - Blabbermouth! If she keeps writing songs about ex-boyfriends, no man will ever date her or only date her cause they know she will give them free press. (Hmm, maybe I should try that angle?)

Janelle Monáe - Kicked ass ... total drag king.

  • Seher Sikandar

Justin Beiber - Looks like a cute Valencia Street FTM, only they would have better routines then he did.

Usher - Voguing and still dancing like Michael Jackson? To quote Beyoncé ...Upgrade ... please. Also when did Usher and Beiber start dating?

NCIS goth chick - Totally hot presenting with the super cute Paramore ... loved the whimsy of the musical notes on her dress.

Mumford & Sons, The Avett Bros, and Bob Dylan - loved them all, in their vintage depression-wear clothing with their banjo and accordion style, reminiscent of bands I have seen on Valencia street, just like ma and pa's jugband Christmas ... totally cute and way do-able!!

Cee Lo Green - I knew Elton John just had a child, but I didn't know the baby daddy was George Clinton.

Katy Perry - Just riding the trend of fierce lipstick lesbian burlesque chic.

Rhianna - She moves much better than her clothes do -- I suggest she just perform naked next time. Although that gown was a hot mess of glorious deconstructed nightmare fashion.

Eminem - Total angry skinny non-badass Napoleon-complex man-hating lesbian.

Esperanza Spalding - Loved the mixed greens salad dress.

Mick Jagger - Looked like Bambi Lake but gave a stellar performance ... leave it to the closeted bisexual. (That's not slanderous is it?)

Babs - Could have been a truly great performance, if lipsynched by a real drag queen.


Niki Minaj - I dunno, but that wig was a nightmare ... if you're going to push the envelope, make it an envelope worth opening.

Other than all that, I feel they missed the boat with no Dolly Parton tribute, other than a brief "Jolene" sung by Nora Jones, whose dress I liked, John Mayer singing from a teleprompter, and that guy married to Nicole Kidman, who never fails to look good in a gown. (Nicole, not Keith.)

Also, as much as I still have unresolved feelings about Target, their commercials were hilarious and very gay-friendly. The assumedly gay choreographer has some great lines, "You end on pony-face," and who knew you could buy wigs at Target?

Oh yeah ... is there no lighting technique to reduce the appearance of frizzy hair onstage? All that back-lit halo lighting is a hair fanatic's nightmare.

All in all, 3.75 Ding-dongs!!



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Steven LeMay


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