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Monday, July 14, 2014

World Cup: San Franciscans Thrilled They Don't Have to Care About Soccer Anymore

Posted By on Mon, Jul 14, 2014 at 2:04 PM

click to enlarge San Franciscans pretending they give a shit about soccer - JOE ESKENAZI
  • Joe Eskenazi
  • San Franciscans pretending they give a shit about soccer

Now that the World Cup is over, San Franciscans from all walks of life are expressing relief that they can stop faking an interest in soccer.

"We try so hard to seem more global than the rest of America," said Mayor Ed Lee, tossing his FIFA World Cup hat into the blue recycling bin. "But every four years they make it so damn hard."

Local tech entrepreneur David Rogan agreed. "I have a great idea for disrupting soccer: Pick up the ball with your damn hands. But for some reason if I say that on Twitter, 50,000 South Americans flame me, so I have to pretend to be all interested, and 'like' game highlight videos.' Thank God it's over."

San Francisco Officer Gary Janning said that he was terrified to go into his local bar for weeks. "Every time I stopped inside, two countries I can't find on a map were having a match, and people expected me to know the players' names. It was horrible. I just had to fake it."

Added Janning: "I remember I once said 'Messi really cut through the Tiki-Taka offense to consistently bypass the halfbacks,' and everybody nodded. At the time I thought 'hey, I sounded smart!' but now I'm wondering: were we all faking it?"

Even the many San Francisco hipsters who normally are proud not to like sports said that the international prestige of the World Cup forced them to appear interested.

"Absolutely, I followed the World Cup," said barista Kelly Best. "For almost a month pretending to know about International Football was the only way to get laid in this town. Nobody wanted to be left out, so, we all had to go along. Since it's over now ... and it is over now, right? Isn't it? Now that Germany scored that one goal that one time? ... can someone PLEASE explain to me what 'off sides' is? Is it a bad thing?"

As of press time, no one could.

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