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Thursday, May 29, 2014

@HiddenCash Donor Is Really Trying to Kill Off San Franciscans

Posted By on Thu, May 29, 2014 at 8:38 AM

Wants your studio apartment
  • Wants your studio apartment

While media reports have so far focused on the "winners" of the mysterious @HiddenCash's diabolical game, it might be better to call them "survivors."

A new report from the San Francisco Police Department says that for every San Franciscan who finds $100 in a key box in a yoga studio, three San Franciscans plunge helplessly to their deaths trying to reach $100 carefully placed on top of a trash compactor, under the wheels of a Muni bus -- or in the mouth of zoo animals.

"It's a trap!" said San Francisco Police Department Chief Greg Suhr. "My God, people, can't you see it? He's toying with you, like one of Batman's greatest foes!"

District Attorney George Gascon agreed, saying "You can't believe everything you see on Twitter! Just because the picture shows $100 sitting idly on a kitchen counter doesn't mean there's not a spitting cobra just out of the shot, waiting to pounce. How do you think I lost my right hand?" he asked, holding up the bloody stump. "I thought I could reach through the swinging blades and get the money out in time."

Gascon shook his head sadly. "This anonymous madman has taken my hand, my dignity, and my son. To this monster I can only say: #VowRevenge!"

Mayor Ed Lee said that he, too, had learned a valuable lesson about not going into an unmarked white van just because he saw a picture of it on the Internet.

"They tried to take my kidneys," Mayor Lee said. "They would have, if Willie Brown hadn't done it first."

"If the waterfront height ballot measure fails," Lee added, "I get one of them back."

So far more than 116 San Franciscans have gone missing and are feared dead, last seen chasing after money whose location was revealed on Twitter.

City Attorney Dennis Herrera said he suspects that this rich guy doling out money anonymously is really all a plot to get their apartments.

"The more people disappear the more apartments become available in this highly competitive real estate market," Herrera said. "According to reports prepared by my staff, it's just a matter of time before San Franciscans think of apartment hunting as a blood sport and start using technology to cull the herd. This is a few years ahead of our projected timetable, but we've always attracted innovators."

"If your building is rent controlled," he added, "Get off Twitter now."

Reached in his hidden underground lair by Direct Message, the anonymous mastermind behind this reign of terror said that he was eager to see what San Franciscans would do for pictures of sandwiches posted on Pinterest, and a Tumblr full of treasure maps in the BART system.

"I'm also conducting exciting experiments with trails of breadcrumbs," he added. "And do you know that if you park a private bus in the Mission, and paint 'Google' on the side, people just get on? It's so damn easy."

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon


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