San Francisco, CA -- Local tech entrepreneurs today announced that their start-up company has solved one of America's pressing social problems by developing an App to reduce instances of asshole tech CEOs.
"Most tech CEOs don't beat their girlfriends like Gurbaksh Chahal or hit people with their cars and then drive away like Nirav Tolia," the announcement from technology start up Pulse Omnium Elite said, "But they're still assholes. Fortunately, we believe the social power of technology can disrupt the social power of technology."
Pulse Omnium Elite, has been described by PandoDaily as a hot new green social currency innovation sharing platform. Pulse Omnium Elite CEO Brent Davis added "we're also a hub space."
Davis said the new App will be distributed on iPhones, Google Glass, and in the water at TED talks, in order to capture the widest asshole tech CEO user base. The App will attract them, he said, "because you have to be a tech CEO to download it. Assholes can't resist that kind of exclusivity: they're powerless before it. Also, it will feature a female voice whispering 'you are the future,' into their ears at random intervals."
Once downloaded, the App will utilize cutting-edge AI technology to passively monitor the tech CEO's communications, becoming active whenever it detects him talking or writing about the homeless, seceding from America, the salaries of blue-collar workers, black people, or Ayn Rand.
When these topics are discovered, the app will begin playing the CEO soothing electronic music while texting him the names of other Tech CEO assholes who were savaged on Twitter for stupid things they said.
If the asshollery continues, the app will begin a Phase 2 response, which will include covering his screens with pictures of orphans who have not been helped at all by mobile technology, along with a GIF image of Steve Jobs saying "You haven't actually 'revolutionized' anything."
If the behavior still doesn't stop, a phrase 3 response will be initiated. A phrase 3 response will also be launched if the tech CEO says or writes certain specific phrases, such as "they don't deserve their homes," "all the smart people already have jobs," "we shouldn't have to pay taxes," or "art history majors."
Davis declined to specify what a phase 3 response is, only noting that it involves the CEO receiving electric shocks until he can have a civil conversation with old people who still use land lines.
Future iterations of the app, Davis says, will further utilize Big Data to determine whether a tech CEO is yelling at a janitor or failing to tip adequately. This feature also helps raise revenue for the company, as Pulse Omnium Elite gains approximately $10 million in venture capital every time it says "Big Data."
"This is a disruptive innovation that I think has to potential to change everything," Davis said, "and Pulse Omnium Elite is on the creative edge, taking over the world with ... wait, where's that music coming from? Oh, crap, sorry about that. Well, I genuinely hope it makes your lives better. Except for art history majors, who really don't deserve to ... OW! OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP!"
Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon