San Franciscans are not lacking in opportunities throughout the year to dress up like a Star Wars character/Santa Claus/boxed wine and become publicly drunk by 10 a.m. There's Santa Con, of course, Halloween shenanigans, Hunky Jesus, and all the parties throughout the year preparing for and mourning the end of Burning Man.
Bay to Breakers, however, is perhaps the most glorious, the most naked, the gayest straight event around (what other race do you DANCE your way through?), and the one Sunday of the year where we wake up before noon. It is in short, the cock ring to rule them all. And it is this Sunday, May 18.
We support this thoroughly. There's nothing we like seeing more than straight men and women in gold booty shorts and gorilla masks, and realizing that every person, regardless of sexual orientation, knows the lyrics to Beyonce's canon. Since we want your Bay to Breakers experience to be as bey-utiful as it can be, here are some survival tips.
Get a good night's sleep
We know, thanks, Mom! But it's true. B2B starts at the unholy hour of 8 a.m. And while you could theoretically stay up all night for this, we don't recommend it. Because may we remind you that you're in your 30s? Even if you're not, we want you to get the most out of that spandex unitard you bought at American Apparel, and you're far more likely to do so if you're not passed out at noon from exhaustion.
Wear comfortable footwear
It's tempting, of course, to break out the bitchin' heels that go so well with the British flag you plan on draping across your torso, but we urge you to reconsider. Wear flats or sneakers since you are traversing the length of the entire city and your friends don't want to carry your ass or listen to you complain anymore about why "no one brought band-aids."
Drink from plastic containers
If you're going to drink during the race (and lesbihonest, you are), don't drink your beverage of choice from a glass container. One, it may get confiscated by cops, who are weirdly concerned about that, and not the giant bong you made out of your g-string. Two, if your drunkass drops it and it breaks, then you've just lacerated the hoof of the cute boy dressed as Rainbow Dash and he will no longer want to make out with you.
Do bring a posse
Not just so you can all go as Tetris pieces that fit together (though that is encouraged), but having a posse is crucial to enjoying B2B. It's the one element that keeps you from becoming that sad person, day-drinking in a Speedo. But coordination can become problematic if you try to wing it. Phones stop working in the crowds, and it's impossible to try to describe where you are -- "I'm next to the vampire dandies in pink wigs! No, the other ones!" Arrange to meet at a specified location and time and then don't lose your group! It may even behoove you to have a backup location in case anyone gets separated.
Do try to hook up with someone
Gay Pride is 90 percent about hook ups, 10 percent honoring past heroes and celebrating how great it is that we can get married now and that our bars have windows! Straight Pride should involve just as much, if not more hook ups, since no one is going to be bumming you out by monologuing about Stonewall on this race. Peruse Craigslist, Tinder, or Grindr if you want to get a head start on the action (but remember that your phone may fail you in the chaos!). If you're analog, we recommend approaching hot people by high-fiving and cheersing as many as you can to aid the camaraderie and to break the ice.
Above all, be safe -- drink plenty of water, bring sunscreen, and take breaks! It's a race, yes, but it's the one race in the world that you don't have to finish. The dancing is the point. For more info, visit the Bay to Breakers website.
Have more tips? Leave 'em in the comments.
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